giving glory to God through dance and testimony...praise Jesus:)

searching the soul

over and over i am hearing to rest, to wait, to be strong, to wait, to wait...
and in time you will find the answers your soul seeks.

not only hearing but seeing and reading in the word... God always confirms what He is saying through scripture. if you think you are hearing God and it doesn't line up with scripture, then you are probably hearing your own projection of truth. and when you find the truth it will bring freedom. when i focus on my sometimes twisted perception of reality it brings fear and chaos within.

Psalm 37:7
Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.

Psalm 27:14
Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Lamentations 3:26

So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

take time to be silent and wait...

new worlds

today i am in a foggy state... just returned once again from Africa... this time Nigeria.  the whirlwind is still very active in my life.  another adventure of witnessing souls being brought to Jesus and praying for poor and brokenhearted children.  another reacclimating time... readjusting yet again to insane, fast, busy NYC ministry life.  thankfully i have acquired the skills necessary to be such a wandering nomad on earth and can adapt and figure out each new world i enter as it comes.

one new world that i am about to enter is the world of marriage!  in 6 months i will be leaving my job, my apartment, my friends, my family and the only security and familiarity i've had in a long time since coming back to God 4 years ago.  this 'security' is and always has been temporary.  if i were to find security in people, places or jobs then my faith in Jesus Christ would be worthless.  i have no fear in slaying giants, telling demons to go to hell, trampling on snakes and scorpions or any such thing.  what is funny and hilarious is that i have fear in being rested... a warrior who has retreated from the fight for lost and struggling drug addicts.  not that i am any less than a person for leaving teen challenge, but that who i am is so entangled with what i do.  how many times do i speak to others about their identity in Christ and how they are a child of God, not a slave or performer to earn their way into the arms of Father God?  it is time to practice what i preach... and fully accept this new position and calling God is moving me to... to be a wife and mother.  to bring life to souls in another way, a new way, a practical family way.  i am leaving a high stress, high demand, burn out- prone life to embrace my new role as a nurturer and parent?!  amazing.  i am up for this new adventure.  with God as my teacher, i am ready for a new world to explore.

inspired by gandhi

"whatever you do in life will be insignificant; but its very important that you do it." -gandhi

these last four months for me have been a complete whirlwind.  organizing my thoughts and memories are of no use.  God keeps moving and placing me in situations that change my perspective, my heart, my outlook... my everything. 

3rd world Africa was a physically challenging experience.  I wouldn't say that it was more physically challenging than heroin or methadone withdrawal- but that wasn't necessarily a voluntary thing... when demons possess your life- you are a slave to them and self no longer exists.  3rd world was physically challenging because its hard to get clean without water, dehydration was normalcy, it was difficult walking to the well to get water and carrying it back to your bathroom area, it was difficult eating rice everyday, it was weird not being online for 5 hours a day(this one I kind of liked, because then I could really shut out the 1st world and just embrace life without technology)... it was only difficult because I couldn't really communicate with loved ones.
Africa was the most spiritually rested time I've ever had since turning my heart back to Jesus.  I felt in the midst of living in complete poverty and physical discomfort that my spirit was soaring and flying and that precisely because of no dependence on material things that I was fully able to let go of all that can weigh us down.  when you don't depend on things- but only on God- it makes life so easy to live!  I have a newfound eyesight on what is important and what is not.  and quite frankly, about 90% of the time we worry about things that don't matter and never will matter- they only matter in our puny, greedy, fearful, paranoid minds. 

awhile ago I wrote about a boy that showed up here interested in me, he has shown me nothing but the love of Jesus.  he has asked to marry me and I said yes!  I am so happy and blessed that God sent him to me... it increases my faith so much knowing that exactly what I prayed for was exactly what showed up at my door one night in January. 

here at work... at the ministry of teen challenge... I am talking to God about moving on... I feel a shift in what my ministry will be next..... I am getting married so therefore I will be a minister of the family:)  I love experiencing God in different places, worlds, homes, people, nature, clouds, thunder and movement.  He is everywhere... and I want to be where He is.  so take me God, lets go.

on top of the many changes in my life lately, another event happened in my lineage of 'series of fortunate events' ;) ..........
the other night I helped my coworker deliver her baby boy into the world. I got there just in time that her water broke.  her husband was there, and their 2 year old was sleeping in other room.  it all happened so fast and I kept praying the whole time and did as much as I could.  I called 911 and they talked us through what to do... I still haven't fully thought this one through exactly.... but last night in bed I kept laughing and thanking God for what He has been doing and just how fun it is to be living for Him. 

life with God is anything but boring. 

in conclusion to my 10pm ramblings... I conclude that there isn't much to conclude! 
life never ends... and on this side of eternity its not about pleasing self, but pleasing God. 
live your life for Him and be FULL.  live your life for self and you will always be empty.

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians.  Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." -gandhi

my Jesus

last night i was swept away once again by my Jesus!
i am so thirsty for His presence... He made Himself known to me last night and stopped me dead in my tracks.  my sweet Jesus.

the only thing i could do was stand still and feel Him.  this was an encounter i needed to assure me that i am in Gods will.  i need to know i am going in the right direction all the time.  every second.  there is nothing i can do without Him.

i could describe the heavy presence of God, but it would not do justice... so i will just leave it at that.  that i was swept away.  intoxicated by Him.  drawn to Him.  so in love with Him. 
He is love... and when we have an encounter with God- it is the very essence of melting in the glory of perfect love.

peace, peace... my soul will rest in You.

lunch break/blog break... same thing...

just needed to ramble i guess... im anxiously awaiting another God-given, God-ordained adventure that i will leave for in 26 days!  missions training in AFRICA!  never had so much peace in my life about totally surrendering to hardships, discomfort, 3rd world obstacles, or lack of any familiarity i've ever built up in this life- not that i have much... but i know that spiritual treasures are not found in things or possessions-but in faith.  and i am ready to go treasure hunting!  my faith is ready to fly to new heights and experience supernatural miracles and wonders.  my faith is being stirred as i anticipate this love affair with my Savior.  He already has given me so much grace and love... my brain is stumped on how much more He is going to lavish upon me in the spiritual realm. 
but God says, "there is still more!" 

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence there is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
this promise SO excites me!

a man after Gods heart, who i will call "Z," showed up one day in january at my front door and i have been getting to know him alot these past months.  as i get ready for Africa i am also embracing this man into my life of total devotion to Jesus.  i am embracing him because i have been praying for a man to literally just show up in my life who loves Jesus as much, if not more, than i do.  his heart is set on serving God.  my heart is set on serving God.  is "Z" who God wants for me?  the figurings of how exactly God works and does things is beyond my miniscule 28 years of being a Christian, then not, then back again.  a prodigal daughter brought to her full inheritance?  even though she was a former slave to all evil, sin and sickness?  again, my mind wont let me understand the goodness of God or His all-knowing, ever-present and all-powerful character.  this is just something i have to accept.  in my heart- i certainly do accept it... even though my mind tries to fight me on it!  i have been in alot of prayer about this man i am calling "Z" and considering a possible life with him instead of sojourning this planet alone.  could an insane lover of Jesus share that kind of love with someone else?  could it increase my love for Jesus by also loving a man?  questions i ask myself... knowing that it is not up to me to decide, nor configure. 

praise the Lord for His infinite wisdom and leading in this dedicated, servant girls life:)

i love to create for Jesus

http://youtu.be/KUo6LeJqJ60

called to be a minister

i just am coming out of a 2 month battle of hellish sickness. finally feeling almost normal- but then again i never really feel normal- so this might be as normal as it gets!

on the subject of becoming a minister of the faith:  i am wrestling with 2 things.  1- i am sometimes doubting my calling... as far as if i am supposed to do what i eventually want to do. i think that when figuring out what to do in life it shouldnt be about what you do- but more of who you are.  i think sometimes i focus on the wrong things... like its not about what i can do or not do.  in the area of ministry its about who you are inside and how effectively i can communicate the love of Jesus to people.  not even by words... because most of the time people just say they see the light in me, or that the way i spoke to them, that they could perceive i was a follower of Jesus.  it is those moments i love the best- when i am not even trying to communicate Jesus and i just do anyway!  Also, on this one, i struggle with the coming to terms that God actually wants me to become a minister... i just dont feel adequate or that i am good enough to be that.  but i suppose that is precisely why He has called me... because He uses the weak.  number 2- making a commitment.  i have always been as loyal as i could be... but being a drug user i made a lot of bad moves as far as breaking promises.  for 4 years i havent broke any promise that ive made yet!  and i dont ever want to be someone that breaks them... why would you trust someone like that?  anyway, the commitment... i am commited to God 100% and i love to spread His word.  however, i guess its just becoming very real to me- this lifelong walk.  lately i have been just pressing through and pressing through some real hard and dark times... and i know that being a minister i am to be prepared in season and out of season.  and its just that- its making the choice to minister even when i feel like dying.  its those moments that i take shelter under the wings of the Almighty and learn to rest there for a while. 

learn to rest... still learning about that one.

so with this wrestle of doubting what God has placed in me as far as what i am to do and enduring the lifelong call of a minister- i am trying to just take everything that is coming at me right now with wisdom and prayer.  im 28 years old.  feel like im 128.  and just trying to walk this thing out. 

Linkin it!

Help me get to Mission's Training school in Africa!

wayward wards

last night i walked into a pysch ward to check up on a student we have here in the program...
i was real nervous at first and counted things anxiously in my head while i breathed in the sterile hallways as the doors locked shut behind me.  the walls were so blank and empty and the mood of the floor was numb.  everyone was a robot, methodically acting out what they knew of their reality.  med time was in effect and the patients waited patiently for their fix.  they waited patiently for their tic tacs in a cup.

there were no smiles.  and i smiled at everyone i saw... tried to pull out some life from them- but they were all dead inside.  how can you smile when you are dead?  i decided to morph with them and allow myself to feel the rythym of the ward.  i fully embraced the feeling.  its about time i start to feel.

during the check in was when i really got anxious... remembering when they had to check my stuff in, and no long handles, no plastic bags, no shampoo or deodorant, no hair ties, no elastic band pants, no normalcy, just bring your saddness.  i was anxious because the flashbacks of suicide jumped in my mind... the rememberance of the mournful dark nights when all that was left of me was to die. 

sorrow tastes like death.  and death is a part of all of us.

one of the nurses was a believer and you could tell as soon as you saw her... she was a light in the dark.  the nurses are the ones who nurse you back to health... if you are doubly blessed- they nurse you back to spiritual health.  i love nurses.

about an hour into being in the ward, since i had not entered a ward since 2009, i began to loosen up.  i began to be at ease with myself.  felt like God was healing some left over broken insides.  it was good.  i focused on the student and we connected on a deep level... something i havent had in a while- a real deep- yea i know your head- and i know mine- and we both have screws loose- and its ok cuz God doesnt call the righteous/perfect but the sinners/imperfects- and you are talking about the time that passed and not knowing where it went- and yea i see that everyday- time existing- time not existing- what is time anyway?

at one point she said, 'miss mariah, i didnt realize how much we are the same.'  and i said, 'yea... yea.'  and she smiled in understanding. 

thoughts fly off into the deep.  sometimes we lose ourselves.  and its only Jesus who seeks and finds and brings us back.
  

Open door

Some shut while others morph Into different doorways than i knew before They swing back and forth While i decide what to live for. Past doorways of crack and smack Two by fours of memories, stinging Finally shut that door- don't look back Inside my head, my ears are ringing. This rusted nail of molded metal Pounds into my confidence These doors are made to push our pedals All my pride is smoked like incense. A cross with blood And an empty tomb Redemption floods Into my heart- I'm not doomed. No door i can open Without love This entry has no hope Without love Narrow is the door that leads to eternal life Wide and massive is the way that leads to destruction What way is right? What door has perfect construction? The door i walk through today Has no mind tricks or xanax sticks It's open and waiting For all who will choose it.

Past, Present, Future

Ebenezer

“Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

- 1 Samuel 7:11-13

1.     God has been with me my whole life

2.     This is a proven fact- because I am still alive

3.     My past does not determine my future, nor does it determine who I am

4.     Thus far the Lord has helped me.  He has brought me through

5.     My past sins have been blotted out- I have been forgiven J

Emmanuel

“God is with us”

- Matthew 1:23

1.     He is with me now

2.     Today I can function as a productive member of society

3.     Today I can work and live without drugs.  Today I am only a slave to Christ.

4.     God has brought healing to my mind

5.     My present sins have been blotted out- I am forgiven J

Maranatha

“Come, O Lord”

- 1 Corinthians 16:22

1.     My desire to be with the Lord grows stronger everyday

2.     He has given me eternal life- my salvation assures this hope

3.     When will you come back, God… and rescue your people?

4.     God has promised me a future.  A good one.

5.     My future sins have been blotted out- I will be forgiven J

floating

floating along on His grace
mind is quietly pursuing His face

giving up efforts to figure things out
just gona let my faith be what im about

His love is pain
endured for my gain

just rest
rest
rest
resting on His chest

inundated with dreams

i am being flooded with dreams.

but have not felt Him near me.

i am striving for the deep things of God.

but lose energy the more i strain.

in this time... i am blank.  except for when i am dreaming.

just resting in my hope.

hanging on to the piece of faith that is left inside.

my dream last night was just me repeating over and over again- 'FAITH, FAITH, FAITH.'

Faith= confidence or trust in someone

i do not have confidence or trust in myself.  only in Him.

absence of water

i am assuming this rollercoaster of uncertainty with God will subside when i have reached a certain level of maturity in Him.  although i have a burning passion for God, my feelings, however do not always match this passion.  for instance- one day i wake up praising the Lord and praying for people- and the next day i awake with complete nothingness. NOTHINGNESS!  ugh... it is such torment to feel so deeply about my Savior and then feel absolutely nothing the next day.  it is like my faith wavers- and i do not want it to!  it is like i am a robot sometimes... moving about like a Christian- but really i am just going through the motions completely void of motivation.  i want to go back to the joy of my salvation... to the days when He would speak to me all the time and show Himself to me in visions... not just in dreams, but in reality and full consciousness.  i want to go back to childish faith.  simple.  pure, sheer faith.  no doubting, no questioning, no dryness.  i just want to feel Him always, and to see Him always.  i just want to be with Him where He is, go where He goes, see what He sees, laugh when He laughs. 

nothing else matters.  life is meaningless without Him. 

i need refreshing water of the Holy Spirit.  i am so dry and thirsty.

we are vapors

in this testing of my faith, i am becoming more and more aware of my salvation. the many levels of being and becoming.

salvation is the assurance of my faith. it is my eternal bliss in heaven. by no other way am i saved- then through Jesus Christ.

the days are going to get harder and more warfare will be brought to believers now than ever before.

i dont know about you- but i want to be SURE of where i am going when i die.

this life is but a breath.

the devil cannot get to me anymore with the silliness of heroin and crack anymore. he cannot tempt me with cigarettes and a blunt. he cannot entice me with a shot of tequila.

the devil is testing my belief! my faith! and actually- this testing HAS to go through God first. satan HAS to ask God permission to torment or entice ANY of Gods children. so in all actuality- i take EVERYTHING as coming from God!!

satan is a stupid little bug that i can stomp under my foot.

this life is so tiny compared to what God has prepared for those that love Him. i am more and more excited to go home everyday.

i cant wait to go home.

scars

as i look at my arms where i sliced my wrists-
i cant help but think that a man is never going to love me,
because of my scars.

it is a stupid thought- and i have a lot of those...
but i also think when a person hears my story-
they are scared of me, because they cant comprehend a 'girl like me' going through what i went through.

i think they are really scared of God, and His mighty power.  the power that saved MY life.

if only we were all God-fearing people.

its like people sometimes look at me sideways when i talk about what has happened in my life.
and its because they are looking at my appearance... and instantly judge me.

they think because i am 'pretty' and 'intelligent' that it seems impossible that i was actually
a heroin and crack addicted prostitute.

this is a battle for me.

God does not look at the outward appearance... people do.  God looks at the heart.

My heart was black and bleeding and pierced with evil venom.

God saw MY HEART.

He saw my desperate need for Him.

and if people do not see that-
it will not stop me from testifying about the miracle of God.

because i am a miracle.

i sit in awe of God and His plan... because His plan is so instense and great.
i made a promise with God when i first got saved,
that i was going to testify until i die.
and that nothing would get in between our relationship.

not a man.
not a woman.
not a child.
not a hurricane.
not a giant.
not a demon.
not an army of communists.
not a swarm of bees.
not a drop of insincerity.
not even the coldest, snowiest mountain can get in the way of my pursuit of Jesus.
nothing.

nothing!

disturbing dream and words of wisdom

i had a loose tooth, so i was wiggling it with my tongue. i finally pulled the tooth out. then i looked in mirror and saw i had a total of 3 missing teeth. this woke me up- because i was distressed (no one likes to lose teeth, especially in your 20's) and when i was in the bathroom, i heard a voice say,
"in 3 days you will lose your life."

i have been in contemplative-mode all day... and worried. but peaceful at the same time.

i know that satan used to talk to me all the time, but this voice was unrecognizable because it was more in my head, than it was in real space.

so i am faced with a choice. i can either take this dream/experience as a meaningless trist within the unconscious realm, or i can flip out and tell everyone IM GONA DIE, OH NO!!!

or i can remain at peace and know that God has me divinely protected and that whatever is His will, will happen in my life, because i do not want to fight Him.

but today has made me reflect on some things in my life. and we only have one life here on earth, and we can choose to use it however we want to. we can choose to buy happiness and to buy peoples' affection. we can use it to hurt other people, and put people down. we can use our lives to spread rumors and lies about people. we can start fights and stir hate in peoples' hearts. we can choose to be miserable and pout. we can be sad for what we have left pass us by in life. we can hold onto resentments for what others have done to us. we can not talk to eachother because, 'im mad at you.' we can even kill eachother if it gets down to it, cant we? in some cases, murder happens in a second. it happens first in the mind, then it only takes one hurtful word to send the person into murder mode. it happens all the time. every day people are getting murdered because of ignorance, hate, and greed. but if only people could see how we ought to be living... to see through pure eyes. all of this life is meaningless. nothing in this world is worth dying for, except love. and love for other people. but on the flip side- people who murder, usually kill for a materialistic want. they kill because they want your money and your wife. they want power and fame. how stupid are they! they cant see that what they think will fill them up and give them joy is the very thing that takes them down.

one of my deepest desires is that this world would just wake up.

life is so much more than money. life is more than sex. life is more than a position at work, or looking good in front of your peers. life is meant to be spent preparing for the next. it is meant to be a training ground, a journey into knowledge of our God, our Savior. life is beautiful. it is the revelation of knowing how useless it is, that one can be truly free!

and if these are my last 3 days on earth, i will make it my mission to influence as many people as i can on the importance of a relationship with Jesus, because without Him, i would be really anxious that if i died i would go to hell. but because i believe in Him, i believe He died and rose on the third day, i believe that He did this for me. He died on the cross and took all my pain and sin. He is the son of God. He is the spotless lamb. He is the alpha and omega. nothing was before Him, and nothing is after Him. Jesus, the Holy Spirit and God are all one in the trinity. and i have the Spirit breathing life into me right now. the word of God is alive, it is sharper than any two edged sword- it cuts deep into my soul and delivers me from my fears.

freedom and joy are the best gifts that have ever been given to me. no person can fill that emptiness in you. dont blame someone else for your feelings and hurts. instead, work things out with eachother, and be good examples to your kids. hug eachother and tell everyone how much God loves them. dont be afraid to face the giants in life. take each day as one day- dont look so far ahead that you cant see the child crying in front of you. work hard at your job and provide for your family. tell jokes to make the workday go by faster. pray every moment you think of it. ask God for all your needs and wants. seek God first and foremost and everything else will be added to you. be filled with the Holy Spirit- if you dont know how- ask God. be patient with people that hurt you- remember that they only hurt you because they themselves are full of sadness and turmoil.

there is no problem too big for God.

you are never too far gone that God cant save you.

just believe.

there is hope in this drought

i have experienced a spring of hope in this desert!
i was able to feel how deeply grateful i am of my testimony and salvation.

a wonderful feeling of gratefulness is like water to my sand.

i was able to look past my present state of dryness and reach out and testify to the girls in the program here. although i tell bits and pieces of it all the time- it is another thing to formally sit in front of all the girls and bravely bare my soul. not that this is a hard thing for me to do- because i love to tell them of Gods miracle working power... but it is quite different when i am in the wilderness.

could it be that i have been brought to the wild region by God to be brought to THE END OF MYSELF?

to learn to rely on nothing else, but my faith.

i have been thrown in the desert to put to death the things that have been holding me back from fully operating in the spirit of love and truth...

my flesh, feelings, emotions, lust, desires and wants are being painfully scorched away in the dry heat of this desert.

i now have more hope to carry me through this trial.
...all is not lost!

unsettled

deserted= abandoned

wasteland= a region with no remaining resources

wilderness= an unsettled and uncultivated tract of land left in its natural state

abandoned with no resources in my unsettled land...
i wait for God to speak.