searching the soul

over and over i am hearing to rest, to wait, to be strong, to wait, to wait...
and in time you will find the answers your soul seeks.

not only hearing but seeing and reading in the word... God always confirms what He is saying through scripture. if you think you are hearing God and it doesn't line up with scripture, then you are probably hearing your own projection of truth. and when you find the truth it will bring freedom. when i focus on my sometimes twisted perception of reality it brings fear and chaos within.

Psalm 37:7
Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.

Psalm 27:14
Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Lamentations 3:26

So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

take time to be silent and wait...

called to be a minister

i just am coming out of a 2 month battle of hellish sickness. finally feeling almost normal- but then again i never really feel normal- so this might be as normal as it gets!

on the subject of becoming a minister of the faith:  i am wrestling with 2 things.  1- i am sometimes doubting my calling... as far as if i am supposed to do what i eventually want to do. i think that when figuring out what to do in life it shouldnt be about what you do- but more of who you are.  i think sometimes i focus on the wrong things... like its not about what i can do or not do.  in the area of ministry its about who you are inside and how effectively i can communicate the love of Jesus to people.  not even by words... because most of the time people just say they see the light in me, or that the way i spoke to them, that they could perceive i was a follower of Jesus.  it is those moments i love the best- when i am not even trying to communicate Jesus and i just do anyway!  Also, on this one, i struggle with the coming to terms that God actually wants me to become a minister... i just dont feel adequate or that i am good enough to be that.  but i suppose that is precisely why He has called me... because He uses the weak.  number 2- making a commitment.  i have always been as loyal as i could be... but being a drug user i made a lot of bad moves as far as breaking promises.  for 4 years i havent broke any promise that ive made yet!  and i dont ever want to be someone that breaks them... why would you trust someone like that?  anyway, the commitment... i am commited to God 100% and i love to spread His word.  however, i guess its just becoming very real to me- this lifelong walk.  lately i have been just pressing through and pressing through some real hard and dark times... and i know that being a minister i am to be prepared in season and out of season.  and its just that- its making the choice to minister even when i feel like dying.  its those moments that i take shelter under the wings of the Almighty and learn to rest there for a while. 

learn to rest... still learning about that one.

so with this wrestle of doubting what God has placed in me as far as what i am to do and enduring the lifelong call of a minister- i am trying to just take everything that is coming at me right now with wisdom and prayer.  im 28 years old.  feel like im 128.  and just trying to walk this thing out. 

Another 2009 entry to be remembered

God,
So I'm here for a reason... And I just want to know why I didn't die all those times. I know I'm asking too much and I'm sorry for that. But I pray that I don't have to feel the need to cut anymore. I pray for a breakdown, so I can get built up through you.
God hear my prayer. God help me, please, help me. Help. I can't live without you. I'm so lost without you.
Satan wants me locked up in the psychward. I know you don't.
You have plans for me and bless me with the patience to wait and see what those plans are. Bless me and keep me today and all the days of my life.
I love you.

give up everything

draw me to You
You're my heart's desire

burn within me the passion that You died for
the passion that is saving grace

i jump for joy at Your majestic creation
...at Your Majesty.

as i run from my past and towards my future
stay with me, within me and kiss me

You died for me
i will die for You

tell me what You want me to do
and i will do it.

there is nothing good within me
all my good is in You
all my hope is in You
all my past, present and future
is IN You.

weary

i am so drained. tired does not even come close to the reality of what i am going through.  i have been overly exhausted for about a month now... and time just keeps clumping together. 

it is in this time that i am forced to seek peace and understanding of what it is i am going through.  i feel so out of it all the time... and sad a lot of the time too. 

i know i just need some time away from the ministry, but i dont know when.

hoping and praying that God will give me deep rest soon.

random ramblings

i am going to be a counselor again...this time for a young 17 year old girl.  she has been involved in a lot of the same things i have been...drug addiction, prositution, cutting, etc.  i am continually asking God for wisdom and guidance as to how to help her.  Lord, just give me grace.

recently i have been struggling with my thoughts... impure thoughts.  my only hope is my hope in Jesus and how He gives me what i need exactly when i need it.  He came to save sinners.  such as i. 

who ever thinks that you have to be perfect BEFORE you come to Jesus needs a wake up call.

this Jesus has died for the impure, for the murderers, He died for the rapists and the drug addicts.

He did not die for Himself- but for us.  He traded in our filthy rags for His glorious inheritence.  my, what a mystery...

and when a thought comes in that is evil, or fleshly, i just keep pushing it onto God.  and i lay it at the Cross...and there lies my hope.

healing rain

apparently, even if you've been sober for 2 years, there is still healing that takes place.
some of the deep rooted hurts have just started to peek themselves into an open window of mine.

hurts that i forgot about and swept under the unnoticable rug- which is now noticable.

it is my desire to be healed fully.  so i have to go through this.  it hurts.

i feel grief and sorrow and at the same time i feel freedom.  i feel enlightened to why i behave the way i do sometimes.  i am thankful for the slow process that God is bringing me through in regards to becoming whole.  if He did it all at once- it would drive me insane again.

since being back home from Swaziland, i have not been the same.

my goals are still to work in ministry and serve.  but my heart has underwent some serious surgery. 

when i drove into the town where the orphanage was,
the Lord spoke to me and said, 'this is my heart.'

immediately my soul burned with love.  and suddenly i didnt exist... it was just the children and God.

His heart became my heart and i was hugging and kissing the kids with aids and who have been abandoned by their parents.

on one of the long flights home- i began to cry.  felt grief for the children with no parents.  they called me mommy and begged me to come back.

they dont have any parents to protect them.  or love them.  they have staff members and nurses and visitors and other 'mommys' that come to see them... but then THEY LEAVE.

they do not have a constant source of parental affection.  my heart hurts for them.  so does Gods heart.

the healing that God took me through was that His love was enough.  it is enough for the children... all the children.   everywhere.  not just in Swaziland. 

His love is enough.

grace

i was awoken this morning at 7am to pray
and say thank you

and to listen to the rain
and say thank you

and to stretch my legs
and say thank you

a cup a hot coffee...mmmm
thank you

clean clothes to put on, and my hair is getting so long... i feel young again sometimes.
thank you

a bowl of oatmeal squares cereal.
thank you

i pray for certain people that come to my mind... i thank God for them.

my heart is being dipped in scorching flames of fire... to be refined by the God of my life. the God of my dreams. the God of my romance. the God of my eternity.

my everything.

there is no gold without the fire.

make me pure as gold...

to do list

-memorize the 16 fundamental truths
-memorize a scripture address to prove these truths with each one
-write paper on two of the truths and give my supporting or unsupporting opinion
-ch.8 interactive questions for AOG history
-ch.8 interactive questions for Ethics
-write 14 shows for BTC Broadcast
-finish producing video for our next graduate
-find Don Wilkersons wallet
-schedule more speakers for May
-clean my desk!!! ugh, i cant look at it anymore
-burn Serbia videos
-finish Serbia report
-pray for our TCMI teacher, who just went back to using drugs... he is such a gifted teacher
-pray for our other TCMI teacher, who has to do both classes now

where are you?

the raging sea of doubt has flooded my mind once again.
when will i hear from you?
when will you speak to your servant once more?

all day long i question my faith...
i am ashamed and unworthy of you.
the flame inside me is just an ember.

fan my flame, oh God!

i seek your presence, your glorious love.
i want passion to burn inside of me.
i want passion for you all the time.

i dont ever want to doubt you-
rebuke me for my doubt.
i do not deserve anything good.

i do not deserve to hear your wonderful voice...
i dont deserve to be in your awesome presence.

but i come before you, asking forgiveness for my little faith.
i ask you build me up, raise me up-
that i might go about the earth speaking of your POWER!

oh, how i long to be with you and soak up your glory.
i desire the fullness of you.

just you... that's all i need.

streetwalkers in Israel

http://media.themedialine.org/media/101019_%20Streetwalkers.wmv

Pray for The Door Of Hope... and Teen Challenges' involvment with Israel.

a teen challenge day...

although i am steady in the Lord,
i do have moments of doubting the Lords will for my life. Does He really
have my life mapped out as long as i am obedient? Does He really have my
best interest at heart? Am i serving where i am supposed to be? God, are you gona be there for me?
sometimes i wonder if i will have enough strength to work in ministry my
whole life.
so many people need help...
and i want to help them all...

so many people are confused and sad and need to hear that there is
help. i am thankful that i am apart of Teen Challenge and can do that.
but i also know that God will take care of His people, and i cannot possibly save the whole world; though i would like to.

so much goes along with that-
with spreading the word of God;
comes paperwork,
meetings,
phone calls,
frustrations,
assignments from leaders and God,
courage to speak the truth,
discipline for leaders who are in the wrong,
trusting the wisdom God gave me,

and how about the most important thing-
but also the most taken lightly-

PRAYER!!!

seek FIRST the kingdom of God!
then everything will come after that.

personally, i dont have time to be discouraged...
thankfully, i can go to any of my sisters here and ask for

PRAYER!!!

seeking what the Lord wants to do is not only CRITICAL-
it is a command,
it is a truth found in the Word.
and it is absolutely necessary.

without PRAYER-
there is no relationship to Jesus.
and with no relationship with Jesus...
well, fill in the blanks,

AND PRAY.

this experience working at TC is a FAR greater experience than
working anywhere else.

to be a servant is a privelege and i am so grateful
that He has saved me and called me to work here.

if He calls you-
He WILL eqiup you!

Matthew 6:33
But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself.
Each day has enough trouble of its own.
AMEN!

love story

Take me to that place
Where we can be alone.

I long to be with u and tell u
How much I love u
Face to face.

Take your hands and let me hold them.

Breathe life into my lungs...
That I might exhale
Pure
Potent
Passion
To you.

I want my words to reach
Heaven.

My God, won't you hear me tonight?

You're the reason I am who I am.
You're the reason I get up in the morning.
You are my strength,
My hero,
Ready to rescue me.

You are the reason I write.

how long?

Dear God-
i will wait on u
i will wait on u

however long it takes u to come rescue us...
i will wait.

there is nothing left in this world that is appealing
or good.
it is all tainted and
burning with a smell of hatred.

when r u coming??

my soul magnetizes to u and
waits...

i will still rejoice
even in this garbage can of a world
becuz i know u got ur hand on me
and it catches me when i fall.
thank u for the air i breathe and
thank u for salvation and ur mercy.
thank u for delivering me from addiction and
mental illness
THANK U JESUS
IM FREE!

please come soon, God, and bring us back to heaven with u.
i love u.

dear God

Thank you for this place u have brought me to.
Thank you for the places u have yet to show me.
Thank u for saving my life a hundred times,
And for showing me that I'm worth being
Saved.
Thank u for my family... for picking them out one by
One.
Thank u for laughter and lately for
Tears.
Thank u for removing heroin and crack from my resume.

Thank u for forgiveness that is never ending,
Especially in someone's life like mine.
Thank u for my cousin Bree who said she looks up to me
And how u gave me tears thinking how blessed I am to
Have family that loves me.

Thank u for Ur unending love that flows through me
And washes away my shame.

I love u Jesus and I will forever be yours.
Do with me what u want today and every other day that u
Bless me with.

Amen.