two thousand nine throwback entry

you know when you feel like you cant go on anymore?
thats how i feel lately
im really scared that me being off of drugs and pysch meds it just a dream
its too good to be true

can i really stay away from that life forever?

all i have to do is ask God for help?  theres no stipulations or conditions to Gods love?

ive had to be strong for so long that i feel so uncomfortable being weak... but when i am weak then i am strong.

im scared that the next time i use will be my last and my counselor used to say that to me all the time- she'd say, "mariah, you use to die, not to get high."

and she's right.

i struggle so deeply with self-hate i hate myself because im never good enough, i can never do anything good enough and i always feel like people dont understand me because i cant make sense when i try to explain my feelings.

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two thousand twelve reality

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

weather

Passing midnight
Receive the rain pounding
Galaxies of flight
Amidst the ever changing pressure
Stressed barometer
Within my weathery ways.

two thousand nine

I wrote this poem when I first came into the Walter Hoving Home

I was still mildly psychotic and fresh off of methadone amongst many other drugs

…. I believe I was writing this to Satan.

Written on July 21st, 2009 in Christian Rehab

You cut me up

Roughed me up

Tossed me up

Then threw me down

Shoved my face in the ground

Then put your foot on the back of my head

And grinded it all around.

You robbed me, mobbed me

Came in the night and clobbered me

You heard me scream and didn’t stop.

You didn’t stop. You didn’t stop.

I begged and pleaded- ‘please don’t do this’

But you didn’t listen, you wanted more.

You wanted all of me and you got it

It was so easy to give you all of me

When we first met. Because you made me

Think you were what I needed

Made me think I was incomplete.

But you lied! How could something that makes me feel

So good, make me act all hood?

You had me tied up in the psych ward,

Yelling to the nurses- ‘there is no Lord!’

Yea, you had me.
Doctors telling me, ‘I’m going to up your dosage.’
‘Sure doc, hold me hostage.’

Crazy in the membrane

Somethings wrong in my brain

Man, I’m going insane!

Who am I gona blame?

Yea, you had me
But without you was the worst

Did maniac things when you weren’t around

Going downtown and panhandling like a clown

There’s no doubt, I fell deep and hard

You took broken glass and twisted it in my heart.

Without you I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t be
I suffocated, drowned and fell into misery.
I kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked.

Man, get me a lick.

entry from 11-5-09

this is a diary entry of when i was living at walter hoving home
(christian rehab)


im so angry with God,
theres nothing more frustrating than an unanswered prayer.
i wana know why i feel like a robot.
i want to cry SO bad!
and i feel stagnant, stuck and so bad.

i feel like im gona pop because my clothes are all too small.
i dont know if im ever gona get better.

my soul aches and im lost.
im drowning and im falling fast.
my heart is broken and i hurt.
i hurt so bad and i want God to make it stop.

why wont God answer me this time?
why wont he tell me what to do?
im so frustrated and mad.
im freakin angry.

i want to understand so much- actually everything and i know
im not supposed to, but it makes me mad.

so much im sad and in turmoil about...
like why i am so stupid.

i cant do anything right.

entry from 10-23-09

this is a diary entry i wrote when i was living at the walter hoving home
(christian rehab in garrison, ny)



today im not feeling it at all. i dont want to be here-
but i dont want to be there either. i dont know whats wrong with
me and i hate not knowing how to fix it.
i dont like the fact that i have no control over my feelings and emotions.
i dont like not being in control...
i keep praying for God to help me and tell me whats going on with me-
but i forgot that i also prayed for feelings and emotions to come out.

im scared im gona snap and kill someone.
i cant control my anger and when i feel afraid,
i dont know any other way to deal with my emotions and rage
other than flipping out and snapping.

i feel like im gona get kicked out for something that i dont even
know im gona do.

i hate that feeling...
i know somethings coming but i duno what.

God, hear my cry for help, hear me.
help me, help me, help me.

why cant i just let out my feelings?
why cant i talk about whats bothering me?
why cant i just be happy all the time+have God talk to me all the time?

im depressed and im sad and i dont know what to do.
im not used to feeling any of this stuff...
its weird and im not used to it.

i really feel like the psych ward might be the only place for me,
the only place i feel safe and sound-
on lots of meds and sleeping pills and just zoning out and
not thinking or feeling ANYTHING!
i dont want to feel at ALL!!!

but i asked God for it.
i asked to feel,
so i better take appreciation for it.