what is sleep anyway

utterly exhausted.

ive been running in my sleep all night. fighting. wrestling and my strength waning.
i was screaming and shouting and attempting to break free.  i remember red eyes glowing and waiting for me.  the fear was overwhelming and i felt so scared.  i knew what I needed to do, so i prayed in tongues and yelled His name, 'Jesus!' 

the only one who can save.

i finally woke in middle of night due to punching and kicking and yelling... that must have woke me up.  i made it to the bathroom and kept speaking the blood of Jesus over me... i made it back to sleep eventually.  just trusting God to protect me.

the reason i think this is important to write about is probably #1 it helps me process and let go  #2 i think people need to know that just because you are a believer it doesn't mean you're problems and struggles go away.  in fact, you will have spiritual warfare when you believe in Jesus... this is one evidence of your salvation, out of many. 

and also, for those that are struggling with addiction... bad memories and flashbacks still occur in my mind.  is this was caused my nightmare/warfare?  i don't know.  but what i do know is- it is now a matter of choosing what to believe about myself.  i can either choose to believe i am worthless and should be dead and in hell because of my life/sins/moral failures.  OR i can choose to believe that Jesus came to seek and to save the LOST.  and that there is nothing i can do to make myself a 'good person'  we are ALL sinners who have ALL fallen short of the glory of God.  not any single person on earth deserves to go to heaven.  but because of Gods everlasting and unwavering, passionate love toward us- He made a Way. 

the Way is Jesus Christ.

rats and flies

dreams of disgust that drag me into the deep
only come to torment me in my sleep

the mind, ive tried, to push out the things that creep
this process though, is not easy to complete

settling slowly softly i wait
for Jesus my Savior to rescue my unconscious fate

rats attack me
flies and bees swarm into my space
its only natural to think im not free
its supernatural to believe Jesus is my saving grace

all along this path of pilgrimage
i learn to find the way and feel
dreams of the past i cannot manage
sometimes they still seem so real

God. my hope, my help, my healer
He alone can protect me from the peace- stealer

Jesus. my sanity, my rest, my redeemer
He alone can cleanse my mind of evil

The Holy Spirit. my comforting hug, the wisper in my ears
i pray to ask Him to forgive and wipe my tears

"you are a new creation and your past is gone along with your sins.  these dreams come straight from hell to torture and scare you... Satan is the father of lies and he wants you back.  but i won't let him have you.  trust in Me, in My Word and remember your deliverance in Christ.  the blood of Jesus cleanses you from all unrighteousness.  your past is gone, your past is gone, your past is gone along with your sins."

group therapy Satan debate

*memory from a group therapy session... some years ago*

therapist: so... you say you heard a voice speak to you last night?
me: yes

therapist: what did the voice say?
me: he said 'you are worthless' his voice was cold and low like a monster.

therapist: he?
me: yes, it was Satan

therapist: Satan...ok.  i find it interesting that it was a male voice.
me: why? i told you who it was.

therapist: well...lets not assume that Satan talks to us.
me: why not?..... dont you know who is talking to you when you hear voices?

therapist: do you think it might be possible that Satan was in your head?
me: NO. he was in my room.

therapist: you saw him?
me: i didnt have to see him, i felt him, i heard his voice outside of my head... he was in my room.  he was right next to me, breathing on me.  and i know that i know that i know it was him.

therapist: i think we should try to look into why a male voice was speaking to you last night saying you were worthless.  did he say anything else to you?
me: yes.  he said i was going to be unsuccessful and fail in everything i do.  he told me i was a whore who deserved to be burned and tortured.  he told me God wasnt going to help me.

therapist: did a man ever say this to you in your life?
me: sure- when i was using and scheming- all the time.  but it wasnt a 'voice from the past' it was Satan who was speaking to me.

therapist: (stares in my eyes... and tries to search my soul.)
me: (i stare back.  i know what i know.  go ahead and search me.)
one of the patients: (glares at me and smirks.)

therapist: im going to talk with your pyschiatrist- lets see if we can increase the milligrams on your meds, ok?
me: sure... fill me with more chemicals. seems to be working- doesnt it?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

been off brain meds for 4 years!!!!!  victory is sweet.

old shovels

Running from evil and fleeing fast.
Upright, insight, inside the past.
Trying to keep my head above the rubble.
Crying as I use this old shovel.
Digging, digging, digging.
Once dead- now living.

things that dont matter

parallel thinking=

seeing something that strikes within you a sharp, distinct memory.

smelling something that is familiar and being brought back to a place in time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

this has been happening to me ALOT lately.  not sure why.  i have been getting
flashes of my past being brought up to my mind many times a day.  it is annoying,
as most of it is utterly disgusting and painful to remember. 

somehow i am free in the spirit, but in my mind i am still a prisoner at these
times.  i am going to compartmentalize these flashes and memories in my head
as the 'things that dont matter' category.

because the things that are not edifying need to be thrown out.  no matter how
many times i must go through this process.

...just keep shedding off the junk... and the bad memories/flashbacks.

SPIT. FIRE.

Revived in the Spirit

I can even feel it

Immersion, excursion, totally urgin’

Was down n out cuz I let my enemy lie to my face

Whats this about getting onto my space?

Do you know who your toyin with??

This isn’t some girl without a Savior-

You think He would let you trample on my soul?

You think HE wouldn’t stop you- YOU FOOL?!

…tryin to get me messed in the mind with your attacks of fat-

I know who im dealin with- you wont get off my back.

I gota lot to say to the one who comes at me with disease-

I gota lot to say- cuz I KNOW that im FREE.

My God comes riding on a white horse, sword in hand

Oh HE’s angry, man, you better run fast!

HA! You’re slayed in half now-

What are you gona do?  Hit me while your down?

Man, I could talk about my KING forever…

And while you’re down there- keep tryin to think of something clever...

There is nothing fake about me… this life has been redeemed

Whom the SON sets free indeed.

And while you fuss with your little tantrum tactics-

Ill be in the Upper Room- in the attic.

not sure what this is

deadness.

in my affliction there is hope.

in my hope comes forced patience.

in the depth.

satan dream

again.
tormented in the dark night of the soul.

in my dream i was screaming at satan.
yelling at the top of my lungs...
'Jesus, save me! Help me! Satan you have to flee!"
i went on praying/yelling in tongues.

this war overtakes my soul.
my energies are diminished.
i am run down by the fight.

i keep hearing in my spirit to
'be still and know that i am God'

but it is easier said than done...

screaming for Jesus

authority is mine!

he's lying to me again
i know who it is-
the enemy of my soul.

he tells me im fat and that i need to quit.
he tells me my flaws and shoves them in my face.

i realize my weakness and am sorry for my faults...
i talk to God to get it out. to let stuff go.
i talk to God like He is right beside me. because He is.

God tells me im wonderfully made- be afraid of me, Satan.
i am made in the likeness and image of my Father- Satan you have to RUN.

i have authority over you. you are small and evil. and my Father gives me the right to angerly stomp all over you.

i laugh at your destiny.

i cry at mine. because mine is beautiful and gracefully falls into the arms of Jesus.

i take back my position in Christ and hold down the fortress of my mind, body and soul. i choose righteousness. i choose glory. i choose FREEDOM.

i choose Jesus.

SATAN- YOU WILL NEVER HAVE ME AGAIN.
GET BEHIND ME. TODAY IS A NEW DAY. AND YOU ARE NOT A PART OF IT ANYMORE.

the ocean

Lord come quick and rescue me!
my heart hangs in the ocean-
almost out of reach.

the evil seeks to take my life
and bring it down to the bottom of the ocean.

they run about making plans and scheming my ruin.
i can see them concocting their next move.
they get their ideas from the master of the abyss in the ocean.

in the middle of the ocean, where no one is there to hear me.
it is a salty pit.
a torture chamber of damp, gray thoughts.

Lord, where are you?
when will you rescue me?
how long will you keep me in the ocean?

what do i need to do, to get your peace again?
will you show me?
i admit i try to do things in my own strength... and i have to give that up.
rescue me again, Lord, i am here for your glory.

there is no one else who can save me from this evil.
no one can purify my mind, or implant sweet songs of joy in my heart,
like you do.

when i am in the pit... where can i go- that you will not be also?
for even in the pit, you are here.

you are here!
you are here!
my God, you have come again to renew my strength!
i will again sing praise to you!

MICAH 7:7-8
AS FOR ME, I LOOK TO THE LORD FOR HELP.  I WAIT CONFIDENTLY FOR GOD TO SAVE ME, AND MY GOD WILL CERTAINLY HEAR ME.  DO NOT GLOAT OVER ME, MY ENEMIES!
FOR THOUGH I FALL, I WILL RISE AGAIN.  THOUGH I SIT IN DARKNESS, THE LORD WILL BE MY LIGHT.

nightmare past midnight

i dont remember driving to a friends house.
but i was there.

he gave me a valium as soon as i walked in.

it was quiet there.
but not for long.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
me, him and our other guy friend decided to crush vitamins to look like drugs,
so we could go sell it and make
money,
so we could buy our own drugs.

we were sitting on his bed systematically crushing vitamin pills.
filled with anticipation
to get
high.

i kept asking for more valium.
...i was still so shooken up.
he told me he couldnt becuz it was in his grandmas bedroom.
and she was sleeping.
it was probably 10pm by now.

we got sandwich bags and carefully transfered powder substance
into the bags,
using sturdy paper folded in half.

brilliant!
on the road to relief.

'look how real this looks, man!'

'yea, we will definatly sell this.'

'i just want to sell enough to get a bundle of dope,
then we're outta there. we split it three ways, ok.'
(i said, with authority- that was obviously not going to be taken seriously.)

they both looked at me like i was not worthy to make such desicions.

'whatever', i thought, 'just get me high.'

we get into my car, that earlier that day, was a place where a
gun
almost took my worthless, addicted, miserable life.

but my life did not end.
it had more hell to scream through.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
into the city...

the moon lights the sidewalks slightly.

we scan our appropriate place to set up shop.

i pull over on one of our favorite drug spots,
but the back entrance of it.
the two guys get out of my car and stand on corner waiting for
a vulnerable target.

these guys are muscular and violent.
i know they are violent because one of them turned on me a few times.

so a sheepish looking, scrawny, withdrawn,
heroin-addicted guy steps out of his car into

an unknown trap.

i watch as the guys try selling these fake drugs to him.
he is smart enough to know that it wasnt real.

he then picks up the situation and processes what it about to happen.

he grabs his throat and strangles him;

there is a struggle.

the other guy starts beating him and
laughing.

he is laughing and taking pleasure in seeing the guy drop to the
dirty ground.

his face is oozing with blood and he goes
unconscious.
but they continue to beat him.

cops are pulling up to the drug spot-
except they pull up to the front entrance-
and we are in back entrance...
they are doing a drug bust while this guy is a bloodied
mess
and they dont know about it.

i yell at the guys to get back into my car because there are cops,
and also because i have seen enough and i just wanted to get out of there.

they slowly submit to my voice and
leave the guy half dead (or dead) just laying there

lifeless.

as they get into car i was screaming and asking-

'did u kill him? did u kill him?'

their hands were covered and dripping with
blood.
one of them was wearing my hoodie and it had blood on it and he had to throw
it out the window in case we got pulled over.

'no, no, he's not dead. we just put him to sleep.'

my heart dropped to my feet,
and i was nauseous,
about to throw up.

i drove away and i remember my headlights flashing on the
body
on
the
ground.

we ended up at a gas station to examine our findings.
about 150 dollars
and a watch maybe.

we bought cigarettes and went back to my house to
lay low.

then we went back out to the night
to buy drugs.

nightmare in crackhouse

he put a sock in the door where the doorknob is,
and pulled it closed
so it would stay tightly shut.
the lock was broke.
but the door needed to stay shut.

i was in a crackhouse in the city and
i dont remember how i got inside and
upstairs.
but thats where i was.

his brother kept feeding me crack and
their aunt was in the living room pacing back and forth
high off the crack.

i asked them for a spoon and cotton,
so i could shoot some of the crack once i
cooked it down.

they got it for me.

but my needle plugged up,
so it was a waste anyway.

great.

the two drug dealing brothers kept giving me more
crack to smoke.
and my mind stay focused on staying high-
no matter what.

the aunt yelled into the room saying-
'she better not be no junkie up in my house'

and i quickly hid my works(needles),
but wondered why she was so worried about me being a junkie-
when she was smoking crack at the same time.
like there is a big difference.

the sock was in the door.
so the door would stay closed.

now i started to see why they kept giving me crack...
to make me do something i didnt want to,
to get more.

this was another time in my addiction that i remember
crying.

and telling them that they were hurting me.

they were like evil controllers and
i was like a desperate puppet.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
once i got outside and back to my car...
there was another drug dealer waiting,
leaning up against my car.

'hey u need some?'

'yea, give it to me now.'

'ight, take me around the block.'

...he got in my car.

so stupid.

i dont know why i thought that he just wanted to give me drugs
for free.

but at that point-
i was so gone in my thoughts and actions that
i was roaming in the 'addict frame of mind'
where u do things that do NOT make sense.
AT ALL.

he hands me a ten dollar bag of crack.
and i take it and i cant find my pipe-
and im starting to realize that he's gona want something from me-
i take some of the crack out of the bag and
hide it under my left leg and re-close the bag.

then i give the bag back to him and say-
'i cant smoke this, i dont have my pipe.'

'o no, ur not gona get off that easy.'
he demands that i pleasure him.

i say-
'here, take the bag back. i dont owe u anything.'

i didnt have it in me.
i was twerked-
frazzled.

'nah, i think u do owe me. there is some missing out of here.'

'no there's not, i swear.'
i really wanted that hit for free.

we get into a physical fight.

he grabs my keys out of the ignition and i

panic.

i tell him, 'im gona call the cops.'
then realize how dumb that sounds.

'go ahead, call them- u'll be dead by the time they come.'

he shoves the pistol in my ribs.

no time to feel pain in my side-

just terror.

i finally give him the crack that i took out of the bag
and tell him i did take it out and that i was sorry and that he can have it
back, so he can get the gun out of my ribs. so i can go find some more drugs, so
i can forget, forget, forget.

then i dont remember driving to a 'friends' house.
but i was there.

he gave me valium
and it was quiet and peaceful there.

but not for long.

flashback

last night i was playing cards with some people
i work with.

i started getting bad flashbacks of
my past.
and then they kept coming...
the flashbacks of using.

i felt weird and awkward.
i felt inferior and
frightened.

i felt like if only these people knew what goes on
in my head...
they wouldnt want to socialize with me.

i felt alienated
in my mind.

i told them i was going back to my apartment cuz i was
tired.
and i almost cried when i got home.

then i dug into my Bible to find some comfort.

Psalm 34:4
I sought the Lord and he answered me,
he delivered me from all my fears.
(thanks judy+larry)

it helped...
but i wasnt completely calmed.
the attacks kept coming
all night.

i rocked myself to a light sleep,
i dreamt that i was screaming...
and i was up at 5am...

with my thoughts.

one way that satan always tried getting me
is in my mind.
he makes me think im gona go crazy again.
and i HATE him.
hes so STUPID and ANNOYING and hes a
LIAR.
LEAVE ME ALONE!

crying dream

last night in my sleep i cried.
i think i was crying because i didnt want to leave
somewhere i felt safe in the dream,
and it was time for me to move on.

for more than ten years i would run away from home,
and live in weird places.
and anytime i got almost comfortable or safe in one spot-
it was time to run again.

the drugs would call me out into the wilderness
and i would be all alone searching for my lost soul.

to always be worried about where i
would stay the night, was stressful,
and traumatizing.
and it was my own fault.

but i was too weak to fight the addiction and it won
every time.

Ezekial 36:26
A new heart will I give you
and a new spirit will I put within you,
and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh
and give you a heart of flesh.

God is making it possible for me to feel again,
and its okay to be sad for the lost soul that i was.

even if its crying in my sleep.

cocaine dream again

Fumbling with a nick bag of cocaine....
Trying to hurry up before the door opened.
Desperate to sniff and then my hands
Shaking as I rip open the bag and lick it.

It tasted like it might have been tampered with.
Who did I buy this from? I forgot already.

I struggled to find the other bags I purchased.
My needle-pricked hands dug into the bottom
Of my purse, as I scrambled to find the rest of my
Secret stash.

I found it!
But it was punctured, and the coke was spilling out.
O no! I hurried to save the last of it.
I quickly sniffed it and the person in other room was
Shooting hers up and I was jealous because I lost my
Needle and she didn't want to share hers because
She didn't want to catch disease.

Even tho I'm clean of disease(thank u Jesus)...
I couldnt blame her.

I have been having these dreams a lot lately, and I
Really am being tested.
It's been a while since I have had freedom...
And I love it!
But, for the addict, it means more temptation.

And I think that's y I've been craving in my dreams.
I just hold on tight to my rock.

My savior, who is faithful even to save me from my
Worst nightmares of drugs.

I love Jesus because he first loved me...
And I put ALL my trust in him, who is my foundation.

taunted again

i had another nightmare last night, and i wont go into detail,
because it was just perverted.
during the day, my dreams come to rememberance every once and a while.
so i thought id write about how i deal with it.
sometimes i have difficulty accepting that dreams are just dreams
and that it doesnt mean thats how i really feel, or thats what i am.

it just means its a dream.

dreams come from different sources...
our own twisted minds,
the enemy,
the Holy Spirit,
and ones i call- random nonsense.

the one i had last night was from demons.
and they can only get to me in dreams, because they know how strong i am
in the Lord.
they try to sway ur thoughts into perversion and lust.
good thing i learned how to discern.

i stay prayed up, because-
im saved! im sanctified! im Holy Ghost FILLED and im FIRE Baptized.
and i got JESUS by my side,
IM SHOUTING VICTORY!

1 Peter 2:6
See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone, and the one who trusts
in him will never be put to shame.

all the dreams ive been having lately that torment me- i keep laying them on
Jesus and he takes them for me.
then he replaces those dreams with praising that comes out of my mouth to God.

and the shame thats in me when i wake up from a dream-like that one last night-
i realize that its just a feeling, and its not from God.

i shake it off.

Isaiah 52:2
Shake off your dust;
rise UP, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem,
Free Yourself from the chains on your neck,
O captive daughter of Zion.

i saw satan

Luke 10:18: (Jesus says) I saw satan fall like lightening from heaven.

when i saw satan holding my aborted child...i almost lost my mind again.
was that where my baby was? in hell?
did my decision to abort my baby lead him to a final resting place with the enemy?
was he crying or cold? was he hungary?

i havent slept for months before this happened because of serious detox+withdraw symptoms, and during this torture, u can forget about any sleep at all.
satan was holding my baby and laughing at me... i was so scared.
but my faith in God increased at that time, because how can satan exist, and not God?
after much time on my knees in battle, the Lord showed me that he had my baby and then he spoke to me and said-
'your baby is being taken care of, and loved, and he will be waiting for you when u get here.'
and then i was able to cry... and cry... and cry.
before that, i hadnt cried in years.

now, my baby is 9 years old, and he's in heaven playing basketball or something.
i cant wait for the day when i will meet him and hug+kiss him.

when in spiritual battle, its important to remember your authority in Christ and to not get sucked into the lies that satan is telling you- or in this case- showed me through a vision.

i had the abortion when i was 17 years old and because i was on a lot of drugs and the boyfriend i had, wasnt really my boyfriend and we both cheated on eachother and it was a big mess.
it was NO reason to get an abortion- but nevertheless, it happened and i was traumatized for 9 years with that decision.
the drugs helped numb the pain and i never cried over what i had done...
until the vision with satan.
and because of that vision- i was forced to seek God with all i had and to seek answers... and truth.
and the Lord will guide u into ALL truth. thank you JESUS!!!

Luke 10:19:
I have given you authority to TRAMPLE on snakes and scorpions and to overcome ALL the power of the enemy, nothing will harm you!

speak out this scripture the next time satan tries lying to you.

Another Nightmare

woke up this morning in a panic.
lately my dreams have been haunting me of my past.
the dream was about me and my cousin that i used to get high with... we were at a kitchen table with other people and had just bought a large amount of cocaine... we were passing it around and i remember my anxiety level being very high because my turn to use the drug wasnt coming quickly enough and i always was like that in my addiction. i could never enjoy my high because i was too worried about where my next high was going to come from and what i would have to do to get it.
so my cousin gave me a hug and i was chewing gum... and spit it out because i wanted to taste just the cocaine and nothing else. when he hugged me, all i could think was- get away from me- where's my next hit?
i woke up in a panic.
this is how i fight-
THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT
HE MAKES ME LIE DOWN IN GREEN PASTURES
HE LEADS ME BESIDE QUIET WATERS
HE GUIDES ME IN PATHS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS FOR HIS NAMES SAKE

YEA, THOUGH I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH
I WILL FEAR NO EVIL- FOR YOU ARE WITH ME
YOUR ROD AND YOUR STAFF THEY COMFORT ME

YOU PREPARE A TABLE BEFORE ME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY ENEMIES
YOU ANNOINT MY HEAD WITH OIL AND MY CUP OVERFLOWS
SURELY GOODNESS AND LOVE WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE
AND I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!

i will repeat this all day if i have to.
thank you JESUS!