wayward wards

last night i walked into a pysch ward to check up on a student we have here in the program...
i was real nervous at first and counted things anxiously in my head while i breathed in the sterile hallways as the doors locked shut behind me.  the walls were so blank and empty and the mood of the floor was numb.  everyone was a robot, methodically acting out what they knew of their reality.  med time was in effect and the patients waited patiently for their fix.  they waited patiently for their tic tacs in a cup.

there were no smiles.  and i smiled at everyone i saw... tried to pull out some life from them- but they were all dead inside.  how can you smile when you are dead?  i decided to morph with them and allow myself to feel the rythym of the ward.  i fully embraced the feeling.  its about time i start to feel.

during the check in was when i really got anxious... remembering when they had to check my stuff in, and no long handles, no plastic bags, no shampoo or deodorant, no hair ties, no elastic band pants, no normalcy, just bring your saddness.  i was anxious because the flashbacks of suicide jumped in my mind... the rememberance of the mournful dark nights when all that was left of me was to die. 

sorrow tastes like death.  and death is a part of all of us.

one of the nurses was a believer and you could tell as soon as you saw her... she was a light in the dark.  the nurses are the ones who nurse you back to health... if you are doubly blessed- they nurse you back to spiritual health.  i love nurses.

about an hour into being in the ward, since i had not entered a ward since 2009, i began to loosen up.  i began to be at ease with myself.  felt like God was healing some left over broken insides.  it was good.  i focused on the student and we connected on a deep level... something i havent had in a while- a real deep- yea i know your head- and i know mine- and we both have screws loose- and its ok cuz God doesnt call the righteous/perfect but the sinners/imperfects- and you are talking about the time that passed and not knowing where it went- and yea i see that everyday- time existing- time not existing- what is time anyway?

at one point she said, 'miss mariah, i didnt realize how much we are the same.'  and i said, 'yea... yea.'  and she smiled in understanding. 

thoughts fly off into the deep.  sometimes we lose ourselves.  and its only Jesus who seeks and finds and brings us back.
  

counting breakthrough

thankfully, i had my friend pray over me the other night to ask God to break the chain of counting off of me.

a few nights ago, i was awoken at 2am and couldnt stop counting until about 6am. i was so exhausted all day, and then after work i went for a walk to try to clear my mind, but i was tormented by counting everything i saw.

and in nyc, there are many things to be counted...

all the letters. and numbers.

i was dizzy at the end of my walk from the mental strain.

so i had my friend pray and i cried and cried. begging God to take this obsession out of my mind.

i refuse to believe i am mentally ill-
i am just special!

and God loves me enough to remove this torment from me.
the last few days i have been able to fall asleep ok, and not count too much during the day.

my other friend gave me this scripture to speak out to help-

ISAIAH 30:15
In repentance and rest is your salvation.
In quietness and trust is your strength.

never stop working on self

so i have decided to see the counselor here. i need healing in more areas... apparently just because i am saved and baptized does not mean that i am perfect. and i have received great wisdom concerning self-
MY WHOLE LIFE i will be working towards Christs' perfection.

there WILL NOT be a moment where i say, 'i am fine. and i no longer need Jesus.'

anyways- i am seeing the counselor because my counting is getting worse.
and also- i have been having some bad memories pop back into my head.

i trust that this is just another valley i am in, and that my God will rescue me from obsessions and my abnormal thought life.

i am pleased to say how weak i am- then Christs power is made manifest in me! you see- the more i admit my weakness and faults, the more i express my need and dependance on Jesus. and the more He is glorified. and the more i am NOT! i am glad that i do not have to pretend i am something great. i am anything but great.

Praise the Lord!

counting dream

last night i kept counting words in my dream
and i remember feeling anxious if my eyes wandered to another space,
without first counting the letters i saw.

obsessions r just another release of anxiety-
anxiety is based on fear.

what am i afraid of?

lines

A left brain person probably looks at a picture like this and sees a subway rail... which is logical.

I have to say, the parallelism is wonderful

Someone could see dust, rust, or
shine.

I like to count all the lines I see.
And make patterns.

Some people see a math problem and solution,
some see the colors and texture.

Other people see how hard and cold it looks.

I think this should be applied to the many world views...
we are all looking at things through different
lenses-

And everyone has had different experiences that lead them to many different

perspectives.

more counting

it doesnt matter that i just counted the tiles,
i feel the need to count them AGAIN.

why?
i dont know.
maybe to make sure they are still there?
maybe because i like to repeat this annoyance to count.

i dont know.

although i counted 40 tiles in my bathroom
in front of me, while sitting on toilet-
i still count them again.
everytime i go in there.

then,
i multiply the number i got and sometimes
cube it.

and the squares in my living room,
there are 5 on top and 5 on the bottom,
that my eye can see from where i sit on couch.

and i have to count them several times also.

well...
yea.
lol.

cant stop counting

TOMORROW is a great word to count the letters, because it is visually pleasing,
and perfectly 8 letters.

a word like RIGHTEOUS is not visually pleasing to me... nor is it an even number.

my name is another great one- MARIAH= 6, NOELLE= 6, TRAMONTO= 8 which equals a perfect 20.

i am grateful that my name doesnt have any odd number of letters in it...

well, today is a busy day in the office, and alot of catching up to do.

just thought id drop a piece of my brain off today :) to let you know some weird things i think about.