searching the soul

over and over i am hearing to rest, to wait, to be strong, to wait, to wait...
and in time you will find the answers your soul seeks.

not only hearing but seeing and reading in the word... God always confirms what He is saying through scripture. if you think you are hearing God and it doesn't line up with scripture, then you are probably hearing your own projection of truth. and when you find the truth it will bring freedom. when i focus on my sometimes twisted perception of reality it brings fear and chaos within.

Psalm 37:7
Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.

Psalm 27:14
Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous.
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

Lamentations 3:26

So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.

take time to be silent and wait...

lunch break/blog break... same thing...

just needed to ramble i guess... im anxiously awaiting another God-given, God-ordained adventure that i will leave for in 26 days!  missions training in AFRICA!  never had so much peace in my life about totally surrendering to hardships, discomfort, 3rd world obstacles, or lack of any familiarity i've ever built up in this life- not that i have much... but i know that spiritual treasures are not found in things or possessions-but in faith.  and i am ready to go treasure hunting!  my faith is ready to fly to new heights and experience supernatural miracles and wonders.  my faith is being stirred as i anticipate this love affair with my Savior.  He already has given me so much grace and love... my brain is stumped on how much more He is going to lavish upon me in the spiritual realm. 
but God says, "there is still more!" 

Psalm 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence there is fullness of joy;
At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
this promise SO excites me!

a man after Gods heart, who i will call "Z," showed up one day in january at my front door and i have been getting to know him alot these past months.  as i get ready for Africa i am also embracing this man into my life of total devotion to Jesus.  i am embracing him because i have been praying for a man to literally just show up in my life who loves Jesus as much, if not more, than i do.  his heart is set on serving God.  my heart is set on serving God.  is "Z" who God wants for me?  the figurings of how exactly God works and does things is beyond my miniscule 28 years of being a Christian, then not, then back again.  a prodigal daughter brought to her full inheritance?  even though she was a former slave to all evil, sin and sickness?  again, my mind wont let me understand the goodness of God or His all-knowing, ever-present and all-powerful character.  this is just something i have to accept.  in my heart- i certainly do accept it... even though my mind tries to fight me on it!  i have been in alot of prayer about this man i am calling "Z" and considering a possible life with him instead of sojourning this planet alone.  could an insane lover of Jesus share that kind of love with someone else?  could it increase my love for Jesus by also loving a man?  questions i ask myself... knowing that it is not up to me to decide, nor configure. 

praise the Lord for His infinite wisdom and leading in this dedicated, servant girls life:)

my column on the Brooklyn Teen Challenge e-magazine

The Pearl of Great Price

- Words and Wisdom from a Modern Day Mary Magdalene, by Mariah N. Tramonto

Some of you may know me as Brother Don Wilkerson’s assistant, some know me as a missionary, others may know me as a sold out Jesus freak, or as a school of ministry graduate, and as a Walter Hoving Home graduate.  Still others know me as a dancer, a poet, a dreamer, a visionary, a lover of children or as an old lady because I go to bed so early and drink tea at 8pm every night.  But do you know me as an i.v. heroin user?  A crack addict?  A mentally ill suicidal mess?  A prostitute? Do you look at me and think I am a worthless, hopeless human being?  When I was all of these things, God saw through that ugliness and saw my true worth.  His love has so pierced my soul that it is my responsibility to tell others of His redemptive power, His everlasting love… His goodness… His mercy.

There are a lot of new things God is doing in this season within each of us.  One of which I believe is across the board for all of us, in that He is trying to communicate to us His full acceptance of our condition in new ways.  I think the church as a whole is receiving the same message of complete reliance on the Holy Spirit… that we are nothing but a breath in this life… that we need to move out of the way and let God work through us as He so desires.  God is trying to tell us we are fully accepted, fully loved, fully cared for.  We aren’t just loved when we do good things.  We aren’t just accepted when we act normal and aren’t misbehaving.  We are being awakened by the revelation of divine rest and complete peace as we cling to the Cross, our Anchor, our Hope and our Salvation. 

Matthew 13:45-46

The Kingdom of Heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.

This parable focuses on the merchant, Jesus, and the thing that sticks out so much is that it is Jesus searching for us.  We are the pearls He is looking for.  I thought it interesting that God is comparing us to pearls- so I looked up the process of pearl creation.  There are mollusks that sit on the bottom of the ocean and when an intruding agent enters the mollusk, the mollusk immediately produces a chemical to form a hardened substance within itself.  As more intruders try to enter the mollusk, more and more chemicals are produced to protect and shield the now forming pearl. 

The pearl represents a vessel that been constantly attacked by intruders but has remained under the protection of the mollusk, or God’s love.  The pearl transforms from nothing into not only something, but something beautiful and of great price.

Intruding spiritual attacks bring about spiritual beauty when we remain under Gods protection and love.

Jesus is using the object of pearls to illustrate our great value.  We ask in our flesh, “how can someone that’s been intruded upon and attacked be worth anything at all?  How am I worth anything?  Doesn’t God see how beaten up I am, how ugly inside I really am?”

The answer is no.  God does not see our ‘ugliness,’ our ‘bruises,’ our ‘scars from intruders’… When He looks at us, He sees beauty. 

He does not see our sin.  He sees love.

The truth is that Jesus not only died for our sins but He sold everything He had- His life- for the most beaten up of us all.  The story of Jesus shows God’s love coming down to earth to save us all.   Jesus also especially came for the ones who have been so attacked and hated on by the world and in fact, He even calls these ones beautiful. 

1 Timothy 1:15, “This is a faithful saying and worthy of acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief.”

We are beautiful pearls found by our Merchant, Jesus.  Let us rest today in trusting our Father instead of trusting our self.  Let us find acceptance in the arms of Jesus.  Let us make the choice to walk in our full inheritance today.

Past, Present, Future

Ebenezer

“Thus far the Lord has helped us.”

- 1 Samuel 7:11-13

1.     God has been with me my whole life

2.     This is a proven fact- because I am still alive

3.     My past does not determine my future, nor does it determine who I am

4.     Thus far the Lord has helped me.  He has brought me through

5.     My past sins have been blotted out- I have been forgiven J

Emmanuel

“God is with us”

- Matthew 1:23

1.     He is with me now

2.     Today I can function as a productive member of society

3.     Today I can work and live without drugs.  Today I am only a slave to Christ.

4.     God has brought healing to my mind

5.     My present sins have been blotted out- I am forgiven J

Maranatha

“Come, O Lord”

- 1 Corinthians 16:22

1.     My desire to be with the Lord grows stronger everyday

2.     He has given me eternal life- my salvation assures this hope

3.     When will you come back, God… and rescue your people?

4.     God has promised me a future.  A good one.

5.     My future sins have been blotted out- I will be forgiven J

jews and the gents

Ephesians 2:14-18
For He Himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in His flesh the law with its commands and regulations.  His purpose was to create in Himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which He put to death their hostility.  He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.  For through Him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.

the dividing wall of hostility is what causes hate.  the jews and the gentiles were indeed different.  they believed differently, they prayed differently, they were led to the cross...differently.  but led to the cross!

the dividing wall of hostility stems from pride.

pride within me can cause me to think greater of myself, when i am really nothing.

this Scripture is pointing out the dividing wall of hostility between the jews and gents...

but there are various walls in our lives.

we can have a dividing wall of hate toward ourselves.  a dividing wall of the past that haunts our mind.  a dividing wall of disbelief, a wall of predjudism, a wall of an eating disorder, a wall of heroin and walls of pornography. 

All the dividing walls in our lives have one purpose- to separate us from Jesus.

what will crash this wall down?

there is only one hope.  For He Himself is our peace.  He- Himself- IS OUR PEACE. 

He has broken the dividing wall down by breaking down in His flesh the laws and rules and commands that once held us hostage.

our pride is taken care of on the cross!  our addiction to sex and drugs, is nailed to the cross!

He has taken the jews and the gentiles, the sinners and the saints, the past and the future and brought them all together TO CREATE PEACE.

peace in our minds and peace in our hearts.  peace for everyone that chooses to go to THE CROSS.

it is by GRACE that we are saved, not by works. 

GRACE = FAVOR

God has poured out His grace and favor on you... will you accept it?  will you allow Him to break your dividing walls down?

God spoke to me about my thoughts

Proverbs 16:3
Commit your work to the Lord,
and He will establish your thoughts.

GLORY!

when i read this i knew immediately that God was speaking to me.

my thoughts will be established- or built upon truth (and not the lies that my head sometimes tells me)
WHEN i commit my work to the Lord.

i first make up my mind to trust only in God and to walk in obedience and in turn-
my thoughts will be settled.

i am also taking note that this is something that will take time... i certainly do not expect to be healed 100% from such a dibilitating mental illness and not suffer 'rebounds' or 'bouts' with disturbing thoughts.

although i absolutely believe God has healed me of mental illness, and i no longer take medication, i have to be wise with my expectations of this healing process.  and to think that i will never suffer with a thought disorder again is just foolish.  i am human.  and definatly imperfect.

i cannot jump ahead of God.  i have to be patient and let God clear away the giants in my path.

and besides, i love having to keep going to Jesus for help and strength.  He is all i have.  He is all i need.

my passion and love grows everyday for my Jesus... i praise Him in peace, i praise Him in joy, i praise Him in uncertainty, i praise Him when im in the fire, i praise Him praise Him praise Him for who
HE IS.

Exodus 13:17-20

crossing the sea

i am finally free. free from the bondage.

i am trying to get to the place where my faith is stable and the place where peace flows like a river... the Promised Land.

God takes me through the wilderness... instead of the obvious and short route straight through. He leads me around the straight path and through the wilderness because He is protecting me from the enemies that await for me there (Philistines).

but i did not see them, and did not know they were there.

i only thought that God wanted to teach me some sort of lesson by bringing me through the dry desert.

suddenly, God shows up!

He is a cloud by day and fire by night.

He goes before me, and leads me.

He shows Himself to me in ways that i do not expect.

and He always protects me.

whether i feel Him or not- He is leading me with His Holy Fire!

Yes!

i am jealous for you

Just a taste of your love keeps me going…

Just a brush of your hand against my tear-streamed cheeks brings a deep yearn for your affection.

The way I feel when you are right behind me is like a daring romance-

I want more, but if I have too much it is dangerous- because the addiction I bear to you will grow until I cannot take it anymore without you.

Oh, to be with you!

I don’t want to read about you, or hear about you, or know people who know you…

I want to be with you and learn for myself of your personality, your wants and your needs.

The stars in the sky cannot out number my thoughts of you.

The grains of sand do not come close to the number of dreams I have of you and me together.

You overpower my emotions… I am moved to exploding desire to hold your hand and kiss your feet.

My King. My Lord. My forever.

My Daring Romance.

I don’t want the feelings you produce within me- because feelings don’t guarantee my faith that I hold onto that you will come back for me.

My feelings are just a product of my faith in your love for me.

Come for me again- My Love, My Dream.

Come for me and take me away-

To our secret place- where we are face to face.

Song of Songs-
8:6-7

Place me like a seal over your heart,
Like a seal on your arm;
For love is as strong as death,
Its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
Like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
Rivers cannot flush it away.
If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love,
It would be utterly scorned.

I am jealous for you.

Elihu

Elihu says in Job 32:6
I am young and you are old,
So I held back from telling you what I think.
I thought, ‘Those who are older should speak,
For wisdom comes with age.’
But there is a spirit within people,
The breath of the Almighty within them,
That makes them intelligent.
Sometimes the elders are not wise.
Sometimes the aged do not understand justice.
So listen to me,
And tell me what you think.

He goes on to say he has been listening to Jobs three friends, and has found no reasonable logic to their responses to Job. And the friends were getting annoyed because Job kept saying he was innocent- but the friends insisted he did something wrong to be suffering the way he was. So Elihu, is a youngster that has been listening to the four of them discuss possible reasons Job could be suffering and he gets so frustrated he says-

Vs. 16
Should I continue to wait, now that you are silent?
Must I also remain silent?
No, I will speak my mind.
For I am full of pent-up words,
And the spirit within me urges me on.
I am like a cask of wine without a vent,
Like a new wineskin ready to burst!
I must speak to find relief,
So let me give my answers.
I won’t play favorites
Or try to flatter anyone.
For if I tried flattery,
My Creator would soon destroy me.

That is deep. That is exactly how I feel, though. Working in ministry can be full of suffering and hard circumstances. I feel the same way as Elihu when he hesitates to speak because he is young- but then finds it so difficult to keep quiet because he is full of God’s spirit trying to speak truth. It is like a fire inside that needs air to fully develop, the fire inside becomes stronger when I allow it to come out of my mouth and encounter breath. If I let the fire stay inside of me- it will go out.

I also agree with Elihu’s statement on not flattering people. I rarely flatter someone… one reason is because when I see other people flatter someone, they are usually the type to do it all the time, and it looks like they are kissing up to them. I can see their motives when they flatter nonstop to find some sort of acceptance with the other person. So my reason for not flattering is not just because of that, but because I believe when people realize that life is not about forcing compliments, rather, it is about righteousness and love, then they will understand the meaninglessness of fake, forceful, flattery. I do not need to do any fake flattering. It gives me no satisfaction.

Elihu continues to rebuke Job for questioning God, and not being wise about his perception of what is happening to him. He tells Job that God sent this suffering to keep him from a life of evil. Elihu now talks about how his heart is pounding as he thinks of Gods power and majesty… His sovereignty. The wise will show God reverence. Now the Lord speaks to Job! He takes over the conversation. The Lord questions Job of his arrogance and his ‘knowledge’ that he claims to have. He tells Job that his pride must stop. The Lord keeps challenging Job with questions about creation and how it all started. Finally Job replies and covers his mouth, saying, “I am nothing- how could I ever find answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.”

And that is probably the wisest thing Job has said in the whole book!
He will now just shut up.
He sits in the ash and repents.
Then the Lord tells Job to pray for his 3 friends that have spoken wrongly about God. When Job does this, God returns everything back to him, but does it twice! He receives a double blessing! Job also has 7 more sons, and 3 more daughters. It says that the 3 daughters were very lovely… I must be a descendent of Jobs’ daughters :)

lonely

i am sad today... usually i prefer to be alone and by myself, then with a group of people and having to talk about things that dont matter.
usually, i am by myself reading or praying or contemplating something. and the other day someone wanted to come into my apartment and watch a movie(she didnt ask, but i could read her)- but i did not invite her in. i felt kinda bad about it... but i just knew that this person would want to talk and talk and talk about things that are meaningless. and i would much rather spend time speaking with God about things that have much meaning- than mindless chatter. i do not mind being with people like this-but sometimes i just dont have the capacity to listen. man, i hope im not sounding rude. i just try to be honest and share whats on my heart.

anyway- im sad today also because of bills. and i hate that something as stupid as a bill can effect my emotional state. although, i think it had to do with how the guy on the phone talked to me when i tried to reconcile this debt. he did not listen to me, and was probably a young teenager working in the debt-collections office. he gave me a lot of attitude and when i got off phone with him, i cried. not because of him, but because i am trying SO HARD to get my life back together and i think im making good progress, but the financial part of it sometimes overwhelms me. and i do not even have that much debt- i am grateful that i have never owned a credit card! so i just have student loans and medical bills. thank God.

Luke 5:16
But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

this scripture gives me comfort.

this is what i do most of my time... and it is ok that i am sad today. becuz if i were happy and giddy all the time- i would then be placed in the category of people that seem 'fake' and i am anything but fake.

mud and mire

Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

a few weeks ago i was running on shaky faith.
i kept waiting and praying for God to restore my faith
i once had when i was first saved.
i felt like i was sinking into a muddy pit...
because without faith,
that is where i go.

once i finally realized that i cant do anything on my own
and i gave up control-
he heard my cry for help and
GAVE me knowledge that He HAS to be the
center of everything.

i started to try to walk without Him-
tried to do things on my own strength-
not even on purpose,
just because that is subconsciously how my mind worked.

i only hope that many will see what He has done in my life,
and they will turn to God also.

i pray for the lost everyday.
because i know so well what it feels like
to be all alone.

i am never alone now.
never!
i am attached and connected to God

He heard my cry for help
and lifted me out of
the mud.

just like an earthquake can crack and shake and shift-
so can our faith...

but it is up to us to keep Jesus the Center of Everything...
the alloy that is in the center of the earth,
also has to be in the center of our souls.

HE HAS SET MY FEET ON SOLID GROUND-
AND THOUGH I MIGHT SHAKE-
I WILL NOT BE DESTROYED.

grieving for the addict

Lamentations 3:19
The thought of my suffering and homelessness
is bitter beyond words.
I will never forget this awful time,
as I grieve over my loss.

********************************************

something that an addict grieves over
is their lifestyle.
its hard to comprehend why someone would
grieve being homeless and
the chaotic life that is barely being survived by the addict.

every other time ive tried getting sober,
it was with the worlds so-called 'help'
and it left me empty...
everytime.

the endless therapy
and medication.

but it is true, that the addict feels a loss
when the drug/lifestlye is absent.
its a deep sense of hollow-ness
and sadness.

like a child lost in the grocery store.

grieving for normal people-
would be to be sad if a loved one died.
but for the addict,
there is much more to be grieved.

the chasing
the needles
the hustle
the purchasing
the running from cops
the being arrested...
fingerprinted
prostituting
blacking out
lying
stealing
SCREAMING...
the drug dealers wanting your stolen money and
your soul

the doctors telling you they dont know how u came out of this one
alive... except that it could only be a
miracle.

the sickness is that we are addicted to this lifestyle.
the drug is but a symptom.

lamentation is a song, poem, or piece of music expressing grief, regret, or mourning.

overcome evil with good

Romans 12:21
Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil with good.

i think this one can stand alone,
with no insight of mine
:)

when faced with animosity...
it is hard to overcome that with just good thoughts.

but it is through those bad thoughts,
that when we don't act on them-
comes victory!

every answer to lifes problems and concerns are
found in the most incredibly, perfect book.

John 13:7

John 13:7
Jesus replied,
"You do not realize now what I am doing,
but later you will understand."

although in times of sadness and sickness,
it feels like we are being punished...

it is the exact opposite.

God desires to bring us closer to him
all the time.
we can never be too close to him... EVER.

if we can keep the mindset that through our
suffering, there will be peace,
then we will be able to conquer a lot more in this
life.

if we can see past the hurts that people have caused us
and see past the hours of despair
and sorrow...

if we could just see that what is happening now
might be extremely painful,
that it is also extremely purposeful.
and we are NOT supposed to know everything.

we may not be able to understand why something is happening
or what we did to 'deserve it'

but later... we will understand.
just let God be God
and us humans, be humans.

until we can finally meet our divine maker

and he will wipe away all the tears from our eyes.

hallelujah

Romans 9:17

Romans 9:17
"I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my
power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the
earth."

someone that i work with asked me yesterday,
as he was looking at my pictures on my bulletin board,
'did u ever think u would be having ur own office and
helping other drug addicts?'

i said,'no, i never thought i would be alive to make it
that far.'

'u should be proud of urself, ur one of the few.'

i never thought that my suffering and my addiction could be
useful for ANY reason.
it only caused so much sorrow and grief.

i also never thought someone would come into MY office
and look at MY bulletin board, at MY pictures and
ask me about how it feels to be on other side.

i still feel like im not in reality sometimes.

i was just eating lunch downstairs and some of the people
that go to school here made me feel bad because of the
job i have here.

they were upset because i have certain priveleges that they
dont have.
and i didnt know what to say,
so i just stared at them like,
'im sorry, i dont know how to make this right, so that u dont
feel that way about me.'

but i couldnt say that,

because i felt like crying.
and i hate crying in front of people.
and i feel bad that they feel that way...
it hurts me.

i think the wise thing to do is just pray for them.
and to be so grateful that i have a thankful heart...

...even if i were to be washing someones feet...

Matthew

Matthew 11:28-29

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find
REST FOR YOUR SOULS."

i always wondered what yoke meant.
yoke = to assist humans in carrying heavy or awkward burdens.

how great that is...
to know that we are not alone in carrying our heavy burdens.

no matter how heavy life can be sometimes,
and the worries that flood my mind-
i know that Gods power is so great that he wants to help pull
me along.

i dont always have to do everything by myself and i can rest
my soul.

constantly running after heroin and cocaine,
made it impossible for my soul to rest.
i had to be on gaurd at all times...
slept with one eye open and

one hand on my stash in anticipation that someone might
try to take it from me.

when i get weary now, i just look back at how weary i really
used to be and i cant help but shout

THANK YOU JESUS!!!
MY SOUL FINDS REST IN YOU ALONE.

Jeremiah

Jeremiah 1:7-8

The Lord replied, "Don't say, 'I'm too young,'
for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever
I tell you.
And don't be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will
protect you.
I, the Lord, have spoken!"


sometimes i feel that because im young, people dont want to hear
what i have to say.

they think, 'what could i possibly learn from this girl?'

but i have the courage to stand up for what is right and it doesnt matter
how old i am. (if only some people knew how 'old' i really was)

the Lord guides my steps and my words and i will go wherever he sends me...

even to the ends of the earth, i will go for him.
its so comforting to know that anywhere i go,
i am protected.

protected with a divine shield of faith.

John 3:8

John 3:8
The wind blows wherever it pleases.
You hear its sound,
but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going.
So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

to be like the wind...
my name means 'the wind' in native american.

my grandparents would always sing it to me when i was little.
and now, old people sing it to me, and i share in their enlightenment
of the association.

i love it.

the Holy Spirit moves in such a way that its subtle like the wind.
also- harsh like the wind.

when u feel a whisper in ur ear to pray for someone...
or the gentle nudge pushing ur back towards someone or something that leads
u to the next revelation.

the wind is beautiful.
u can feel its pressure
and even hear it against the leaves.

the most beautiful thing about it; is that

u can see it when it moves the things that are willing to
be blown away.

NUMBERS

i have this problem with counting. my obsession is to count letters that i see on the tv, in books, on the computer... wherever. i also count various patterns of lines and shapes that i see in my environment. the book of numbers is perfect for today, since my mind is on counting.
so anyways,
Numbers 23:19(NLT)- God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through?

i always imagine what God looks like... and my attempts at figuring that out have failed me.
when i picture God, i imagine a see-through blue-ish colored huge hand on my head....and thats the closest ive come to visibly seeing God.
to be human is a disadvantage because we are made of flesh and flesh is sinful and full of pride.
because God is God, and we are human, we cannot possibly know what God is thinking, or what his mighty plan is specifically.
BUT- through prayer and listening to the spirit within, he will speak to us.
he also speaks to us through other people and situations that cause us to dive deeper into our relationship with Jesus.
in the word, are many promises God gives us, and so far- the promises ive read and digested have come true and he is so steady.
his love for us never fails...and i cant possibly 'count' how many times ive failed him.