abortion

abortion is something you never get over.
you process, your wounds may heal, you understand you are forgiven:
but the fact still remains that what you've done is permanent.
when the abortion doctors told me they were ready to 'terminate the pregnancy,'
they looked me not so well in the eyes and assured me there was 'no baby forming in my womb, but that is was just a bunch of cells.'
as a 17 year old cocaine addict, I was too numb and in pain to comprehend the facts.
what I've learned is this:
we all make horrible, life-shattering decisions when we are hurting and not walking with God...
but what's so amazing about Jesus is that while we are making these decisions-
He is stretching out His hands to us and whispering,
'I love you anyway.'

called to be a minister

i just am coming out of a 2 month battle of hellish sickness. finally feeling almost normal- but then again i never really feel normal- so this might be as normal as it gets!

on the subject of becoming a minister of the faith:  i am wrestling with 2 things.  1- i am sometimes doubting my calling... as far as if i am supposed to do what i eventually want to do. i think that when figuring out what to do in life it shouldnt be about what you do- but more of who you are.  i think sometimes i focus on the wrong things... like its not about what i can do or not do.  in the area of ministry its about who you are inside and how effectively i can communicate the love of Jesus to people.  not even by words... because most of the time people just say they see the light in me, or that the way i spoke to them, that they could perceive i was a follower of Jesus.  it is those moments i love the best- when i am not even trying to communicate Jesus and i just do anyway!  Also, on this one, i struggle with the coming to terms that God actually wants me to become a minister... i just dont feel adequate or that i am good enough to be that.  but i suppose that is precisely why He has called me... because He uses the weak.  number 2- making a commitment.  i have always been as loyal as i could be... but being a drug user i made a lot of bad moves as far as breaking promises.  for 4 years i havent broke any promise that ive made yet!  and i dont ever want to be someone that breaks them... why would you trust someone like that?  anyway, the commitment... i am commited to God 100% and i love to spread His word.  however, i guess its just becoming very real to me- this lifelong walk.  lately i have been just pressing through and pressing through some real hard and dark times... and i know that being a minister i am to be prepared in season and out of season.  and its just that- its making the choice to minister even when i feel like dying.  its those moments that i take shelter under the wings of the Almighty and learn to rest there for a while. 

learn to rest... still learning about that one.

so with this wrestle of doubting what God has placed in me as far as what i am to do and enduring the lifelong call of a minister- i am trying to just take everything that is coming at me right now with wisdom and prayer.  im 28 years old.  feel like im 128.  and just trying to walk this thing out. 

ripping a plastic bag

this ones probably not gona make much sense... but here it goes!!!

who here among us is ALL right? ALL the time? is anyone? i personally do not know anyone that is perfect. i dont know anyone that is sweet and delightful 24/7. i dont know anyone who never has a bad day/week/month/year.  i dont know any man or woman who lives a life free of thorns, shadows and contemplative torment.

i guess my 'encouragement' or 'word of advice' to those who are experiencing a valley or a drought or an oppression or a depression or whatever... my thoughts on this today are that hiding it will not help you. i think being real and honest about what it is that you are experiencing is a very good thing.  however, i also think that if you abuse these priveleges to express yourself, by unleashing your rage or pain or moods onto someone else- then that is not ok.  i think we all have our moments and some stretch longer than others... but the solution is never to put someone else down, or make them feel threatened or inferior.

since coming back to Jesus i have almost instantly absorbed the truth about actions and reactions.
it is in our power to exude whatever we put into ourselves.  it is also in our power to harness and hold back the poison that sometimes still remains within.  i think with depression... one of the most important things to do is not condemn yourself.  i got a revelation on depression today driving back from my old rehab, aka, my other home:)  the revelation i got was this- depression is not a sin.
thats it! its not my fault! i can stop feeling responsible for the brain chemicals in my head that choose to wire and rewire and backfire and expire!

we all gota start ripping the plastic bag off of our eyes sooner or later if we want to see clearly. so start ripping.

things that dont matter

parallel thinking=

seeing something that strikes within you a sharp, distinct memory.

smelling something that is familiar and being brought back to a place in time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

this has been happening to me ALOT lately.  not sure why.  i have been getting
flashes of my past being brought up to my mind many times a day.  it is annoying,
as most of it is utterly disgusting and painful to remember. 

somehow i am free in the spirit, but in my mind i am still a prisoner at these
times.  i am going to compartmentalize these flashes and memories in my head
as the 'things that dont matter' category.

because the things that are not edifying need to be thrown out.  no matter how
many times i must go through this process.

...just keep shedding off the junk... and the bad memories/flashbacks.

Jesus=Sanity

Jesus is my sanity.  He is the only reason I can think.  Think the WAY I think- now that is a different story.  My mind still needs so much sanctification.  My thoughts, my wicked heart, my evil volatile ways… I am the worst sinner of them all.  My heart wants to come forth as pure gold- but in the process my soul is being crushed and I am being drawn to cling to the only thing that makes sense.  There is a sea of sorrow that waves in, as I let go of all my anchors.  The things that hold me in those chains, the things that wish to take over my being.  The things that used to have such power over me- they were literally taking control over my body. Things I am ashamed to say.  Without the cross I am doomed.  Forever to live amongst the dead in the inferno of despair.  Without the cross I have no life; nothing lives within me.  Death will overtake me if I do not cling to the cross.  My mind struggles with thoughts and obsessions… some so deep that I cannot find where they begin.  I cant find the beginning, but I believe in my ending.  The ending that Jesus has given me.  How I long to be in my ending.  The end of me, the beginning of life forever with Him. 

battle with depression

i have come to the realization that i become depressed when i feel disconnected from Him.

it is not because i have done something wrong, or am being punished... i am beyond that immaturity of thinking.

i do believe He withdraws His presence when one of His children sin at times- but in my case right now- i believe He is testing my endurance and trust.

ever since i made up my mind to attempt the process of seperating myself from drugs and that lifestyle- i have been under extreme pressing(for the past 9 years).

endurance.

i first tried getting sober when i was 18... caught a dwi and was facing criminal charges... at that point its always good to at least 'pretend to get help' so you can look good for the court.

endured the whole 'going through rehab to look good for the court system' thing.
useless.

the following year i caught another dwi and attempted suicide because of depression and not being able to get out of the hell of addiction...

suicide was always the greener grass on the other side for me.

endured the pain of just 'one more failed suicide attempt.'
useless.

the stories are endless with my enduring seemingly useless trials... but to Him they are anything but useless.
useful.

my battle with depression and darkness do not dissipate simply because i now have the light of Christ.

the battle with depression becomes another area of producing endurance.

enduring until the end.

and the light of Christ is my spotlight that i follow.

He leads me to green pastures. He restores my soul.

run away

my feet pound on the ground and i run
my muscles burn and i run

i breathe out of my mouth so fast
my heart bangs and almost falls out of my chest

i clench my fists
and i run

run run run
away

waiting game

it hurts so bad
i cant even explain

the desire i have to be with my Lord
overcomes my brain

i seek, i search, i sadly say...
'daddy, come get me.'

but he wont answer me
this i can deal with-
but to not be in his presence
hurts like knives in my heart

i have tasted, and i have seen
the glory of the Lord-
it is serene

it is everything i ever wanted...
the heroin, cocaine, xanax and meth
could NEVER compare
to the feelings one gets when being with the Lord

it is the highest high
the most beautiful joy
it is unspeakable-
it makes me cry

God, Father, Savior, Jesus, Daddy
please let me be with you again
better is one day in your presence than
a MILLION elsewhere

i will wait for you
forever

i will wait for you

because i have nothing
without you

i am nothing
without you

life means nothing
without you

in the midst of my depression
i will still say,
'have it your way'

because i am but a breath
and you are constant
so this pain will leave me
when you come back

i will wait for you

pain of the fire

The last several months I have been in the desert. Meaning, I have not felt or heard from God directly. To me, the desert is a wilderness of confusion and suffering without the presence of God. I do not like the desert… and sometimes I feel like I still might be there. But I experienced freedom! And I hold onto remembering what God has done for me. I prayed, and broke through the bondages of soul ties! I truly am set free from the soul’s that I have been with. It was so hard to come up with that list of all the people I have been with… but I did it because I want to be obedient and I want to be free in Jesus. Once you have been through the fire of hell- there is nothing more important than to find peace in resting under the shadow of the Almighty. There is nothing more important to me than my relationship with Jesus.


Through the fire of affliction, comes testing and pressures so difficult, that it is no wonder why people never make it out of the fire. One of the pressures I have been dealing with is my past sexual sins and the guilt and disgust I had of myself. I was having a very hard time accepting the fact that I was going to live with what I had done for the rest of my life. Through my fire, I experienced testing’s that I have failed.

I am also under a lot of confusion in the desert. My faith seems to waver at the slightest question of reality. My heart has an irregular beat. It’s like a drum set with one of the drumsticks as a blade of grass. To me, this is affliction of the worst kind- an affliction of absent belief.

Although I am suffering in my faith- I have to keep looking towards the cross. I know deep within my very being, that there is more to life than what we live each day. My doubt tries to play games with my mind, and pull me back under into the abyss. But I hold on tight to my refuge and my fortress. I hold tight to the promises in the Word and the promises God has shown me in visions. I hold tight to my testimony- that I have been set free from drug addiction, prostitution, mental illness, eating disorders, self- mutilation, and so much more. I overcome by speaking and remembering what God has done for me, I overcome by covering myself with the blood of the lamb.

I am so grateful to have gifts from God that I love to use to please Him.

It’s like piano keys being strategically pounded to make a methodically beautiful sad sound. It’s like you get that one shot at a basketball game to either win or lose for the whole team- and you make it. It’s like finding your soul mate in the rain. It is hard to explain, yet, easy once you’ve experienced it. It is using your God given gifts to glorify our Father. It is a perfect gift because it has no bad or evil in it. None. The gifts that God gives are pure and holy. When we use those gifts, we become more like our Father. A gift I have recently put to use is using my creativity. I have learned to not be afraid to think differently than others. I no longer want to conform to the patterns of this world. I am not of this world, so why do I want to be like it? I don’t.

So while I am on a journey of affliction that God is bringing me through… I will maintain an attitude of gratitude by remembering how much worse I could be. I will remember through my fire of doubt, that Jesus had gone through being crucified and left for dead- for me. I will remember God’s grace, and that He will pull me out at just the right time, because it will be His time. And I will continue to praise the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:6-7

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

desert wasteland

This morning I awoke with quiet sadness.
Like hunger pangs deep within,
My spirit is sore from this drought.

Ecclesiastes 11:3-4
When clouds are heavy,
The rains come down.
Whether a tree falls north or south,
It stays where it falls.
Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant.
If they watch every cloud,
They never harvest.

I can't expect to grow when I wait for 'perfect weather.'
It is during this time of the desert that I am being pruned
For the harvest. I will accept this testing as a privelege and
Be grateful for what God is doing in me. I won't wait til I feel
Rushing waterfalls to praise the Lord.
I will continue to praise Him in the wasteland,
and thirst for His presence.

bus ride

I'm riding home on the bus from visiting family and
Have urge to write.
It's a seven hour ride... might as well.

Anything can set off a memory.
The curtains on the hotel Windows
Gave me horrible memories.

The color of the Rochester sky.
The mood of the birds that seemed to
Fly in circles.

Certain streets gave me that barfy feeling.

My room was a place of suicide attempts and
Secret places to stash heroin and crack.

Being in public, I did not want to be seen...
Fearful of bumping into the wrong person...

It was easier this time being home, my second time
Since sobriety.
But it was still awkward and like passing through an
Uneasy dream.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Being with my family when I'm sober is getting
Better and better
Each time I come home.

I am grateful for them and
Even more grateful for my Savior
Who gave me a heart of gratitude...
And a living body to put that heart in.

I am thankful to be alive and in a relationship with
Jesus.

'Fat'

There are times when I really want to write about something
But I don't becuz I worry what people will think.

I wrote earlier today a little about an eating disorder I had...
And how I still worry about my weight sometimes.
I think its been more on my mind lately becuz there is a
Dance audition on Saturday at the Brooklyn Tabernacle and
I really wanted to try to go...

I think back to my dancing days and smile at how the music and
Movement settled my soul.

And then obsession came to destroy my first love.

I stopped dancing becuz my eating disorder took over and
Also becuz getting wasted with vodka and weed turned into more fun than

Getting wasted with Mozart and Leotards.

When I first started getting clean off everything a year ago,
I struggled a lot with getting my angst
Out of me.

I remember sitting on the toilet with a switchblade and
Carved the word
'Fat'
On my left thigh.

I looked at it and sighed relief.
I was still sick.

So now,
Thinking about trying out at an audition is giving me
Some concern about my body...

It turns out I have to work Saturday anyways...
So it looks like I will just keep dancing for Jesus and
Jesus only.
For now.

self image

ever since i started ballet when i was 6,
i started to scan and analyze my body way too much.
i compared my body to other girls' and thought i should
slim down.

i have never been overweight.
just in my mind i have.

i began throwing up my food when i was about 13 or 14.
i taught the other girls in my performing arts school how to do it.
my obsession with my weight comes and goes
nowadays...

i no longer throw up my food,
but the thought of this extra fat on my body creeps in my mind sometimes.

its a distraction from growing closer to God,
i know it is.
so i just try really hard to keep the scriptures going in my head and flowing out of
my mouth all day.

this too will pass.

...just something im struggling with today.

astronomical

God thinks about us
more than there are
stars in the sky.

His purpose for us
is greater than the greatest mystery,
and too astronomical to even imagine.

Pursue God with all ur heart
and strength
and he will show u his love.

ISAIAH 55:8-9
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Brooklyn Tab

I felt the presence of God
As soon as I walked into The Brooklyn Tabernacle.

joy overwhelmed me as we worshipped.

excitement of what is to come enveloped my spirit.

the message was about forgetting the past and pressing on towards the goal.
Philippians 3:13
I focus on one thing:
Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,
I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which
God,
through Christ Jesus,
IS CALLING US.

if we start thinking in the mindset that all the things that have happened in the
past just DONT MATTER ANYMORE...

i wonder what could happen to our present lives.
if we completely understood the fact that our past has absolutely no
power...
what could happen?

just live in the NOW.
do what u can for NOW.
love eachother NOW.
FORGIVE NOW.

we never know when he's coming back.
it will be like a thief in the night.

inner anger and resentments just lead to headaches and
heart attacks.
what good is that?

how does holding onto our past-
free us up?

it doesnt. it doesnt. it doesnt.

Freedom comes with accepting Christ into ur heart and
allowing him to shift our robotic, evil souls into a soul that lives for
him.

although i still get flashbacks of my nightmare past
i just have to keep pressing on towards Jesus.
hes the only way out.
the only one who can save me from me.

!
M
O
D
E
E
R
F

my help comes from above.

in pain

one of my many 'thorns in the flesh' is that i get migraines.
ive had them since i was like 10... i throw up and everything.

when i was eating every type of pill imaginable, i couldnt really feel the pain.
now, its very obvious when im hurting physically.

when i used to have bouts of sobriety, one of the reasons the drugs would call
me back, would be to calm the pain in my body...(mostly the pain in my head)

i think the absolute main reason i always relapsed was because my memories
and flashbacks were too much to handle and i would go crazy thinking
about the murder i saw
or bloody events.

These flashbacks don't taunt me anymore because I finally
Accepted forgiveness.
The love of Jesus makes all things new...
Jesus has given me a WAY OUT.
i dont have to live in fear, or guilt any more.
paranoia is something that Jesus does NOT give me.

So when I'm in pain...
I remember how much worse my pain used to be
And then I thank my God and continue on.

persevere

ISAIAH 40:31-
But the people who trust the Lord will become strong again. They will rise up as an eagle in the sky; they will run and not need rest; they will walk and not become tired.

in my old dance studio- there was a poster up on the brick wall that said-
PERSEVERANCE and had a ballerina on it in her point shoes.
i remember looking up at that poster when attempting to do hard ballet moves,as i bit my lip and wiped the sweat off my face, and wondered what exactly that word meant.

when ur falling into the pit and not seeing anything but black-emptyness surrounding you, its hard to press on.
what exactly are you pressing for?
if u see no good in life except for a needle full of heroin and possibly a cigarette to bum from the guy standing next to me at bus stop...then what is it that ur going to do with ur life?

i struggled with that for so long...the big question of why anyone is alive...

it takes alot of courage to push through our past.
some of our pasts are absolutely terrifying- who would want to deal with it?

perseverance is when u get to the place where u take responsibility for all the evil u've done and all the evil u've seen and do something about it.
perseverance is when everybody around u tells u that 'u cant get sober, u cant get off those meds, u cant even sit still 2 seconds without pheenin for the next one- look at u, ur disgusting!' and YET- u keep going.

perseverance requires patience, determination,
and willingness to learn the truth and do things differently no matter what the cost.
the truth(BIBLE) tells me, 'i am fearfully and wonderfully made.'
and that i am more than a conquerer, and that God knew me before he formed me in my moms womb.

perseverance in the dictionary means:
CONTINUING IN A COURSE OF ACTION WITHOUT REGARD TO DISCOURAGEMENT, OPPOSITION, OR PREVIOUS FAILURE!
HALLELUJAH!

i think that the harder your past was to deal with, the better your future will be if u can make the decision to PUSH THROUGH.

waiting

I remember waiting in line for welfare services when I would be high on dope.
I would have a fit and swear and sometimes just walk right out, without seeing
Anyone.
My mindset would be, 'don't these people know I exist??? The world should stop
For me.'
...so ignorant.

So now that I'm sitting here at walk-in dentist with infected tooth, because I have neglected
My teeth for so many years, because heroin and crack were first
Priority... I'm feeling frustrated.
Instead of reacting with rage and disrespect, I am taking
Deep breaths and trusting God will make something happen.
I am not sure they will even see me, as they have already taken
Their three walk-ins for the day...
The perfect place to be for God to do his best work, is right here.
Not knowing ANYTHING that will happen... and knowing that if anything good does
Happen, that its ALL God.

A good strategy in this situation is to remember what I'm grateful for
And to know that as long as I'm not in crackhead hell,
I'm in absolute heaven!