abortion

abortion is something you never get over.
you process, your wounds may heal, you understand you are forgiven:
but the fact still remains that what you've done is permanent.
when the abortion doctors told me they were ready to 'terminate the pregnancy,'
they looked me not so well in the eyes and assured me there was 'no baby forming in my womb, but that is was just a bunch of cells.'
as a 17 year old cocaine addict, I was too numb and in pain to comprehend the facts.
what I've learned is this:
we all make horrible, life-shattering decisions when we are hurting and not walking with God...
but what's so amazing about Jesus is that while we are making these decisions-
He is stretching out His hands to us and whispering,
'I love you anyway.'

giving glory to God through dance and testimony...praise Jesus:)

ripping a plastic bag

this ones probably not gona make much sense... but here it goes!!!

who here among us is ALL right? ALL the time? is anyone? i personally do not know anyone that is perfect. i dont know anyone that is sweet and delightful 24/7. i dont know anyone who never has a bad day/week/month/year.  i dont know any man or woman who lives a life free of thorns, shadows and contemplative torment.

i guess my 'encouragement' or 'word of advice' to those who are experiencing a valley or a drought or an oppression or a depression or whatever... my thoughts on this today are that hiding it will not help you. i think being real and honest about what it is that you are experiencing is a very good thing.  however, i also think that if you abuse these priveleges to express yourself, by unleashing your rage or pain or moods onto someone else- then that is not ok.  i think we all have our moments and some stretch longer than others... but the solution is never to put someone else down, or make them feel threatened or inferior.

since coming back to Jesus i have almost instantly absorbed the truth about actions and reactions.
it is in our power to exude whatever we put into ourselves.  it is also in our power to harness and hold back the poison that sometimes still remains within.  i think with depression... one of the most important things to do is not condemn yourself.  i got a revelation on depression today driving back from my old rehab, aka, my other home:)  the revelation i got was this- depression is not a sin.
thats it! its not my fault! i can stop feeling responsible for the brain chemicals in my head that choose to wire and rewire and backfire and expire!

we all gota start ripping the plastic bag off of our eyes sooner or later if we want to see clearly. so start ripping.

last night

i was driving my boss home... we were talking about skin products that are being shipped here for him to try on his skin (he has a skin condition that causes him a lot of discomfort).  i looked down on my arm that i was steering with and said,

'i wonder if those products will help my scars go away?'

he said, 'where did you get those scars from?'

i said, 'suicide attempts.'

he replied staring intently in my eyes, 'i sure am glad Jesus saved you.'

give up everything

draw me to You
You're my heart's desire

burn within me the passion that You died for
the passion that is saving grace

i jump for joy at Your majestic creation
...at Your Majesty.

as i run from my past and towards my future
stay with me, within me and kiss me

You died for me
i will die for You

tell me what You want me to do
and i will do it.

there is nothing good within me
all my good is in You
all my hope is in You
all my past, present and future
is IN You.

beauty

christmas miracle

there are little words, when it comes to expressing Gods love.
it is impossible to put God in the 'word category'
He's uncontainable...

this is my first Christmas not being in rehab, or the hospital,
or shelters, or the street.
this is my first Christmas experiencing Gods love to the maximum.
it is the first time, in a long time that i have been off any type of
medication.

the sadness and anger i once had deep inside of me-
is slowly becoming useful in reflecting Gods love.

if you've never had hatred inside of you-
how can you know what love is?

i am thankful that i have had deep hurt and pain...
because now i can appreciate the depths of God healing me.

this is my FIRST CHRISTMAS ALIVE!

morning dew

In the morning when I first wake up,
I am so grateful.

There is peace within me and
No worrying about where,when and how
To get high that day.

The morning is now
Calm
Clean
Contemplative

And full of morning dew(that I now notice)
Instead of being full of fear.

The morning is quiet
I am so grateful,
That it is no longer noisy and disturbing.

My soul can rest.

shower me

There were so many times when I would wish for a hot
Shower.
I was always running from or to a different place and I
Would go days without showering.

During my bouts of spontaneous sobriety,
The detox's and pyschwards that I frequented would
Provide showers...
And all the products to go with it!

I remember always taking longer than the time allowed...
The nurses or other patients would have to tell me to get
Out.
But I loved showers because I felt a little cleaner when I
Got out.

And I was always so dirty.

You know how when you were little and not feeling good,
Or upset about something and a nice hot bath
Seemed to take care of all your worries?

There is some emotional and physiological benefit to
Washing yourself clean.

Now when I take a shower it is a symbol of a deeper
Clean.

And I am grateful to be clean today.

blessed tears

U know that feeling...
It's indescribable...
It's inexpressible,

Almost unbearable,
Becuz u might explode.

It's fire
It's fuel
It's food.

It is overwhelming

I had to stop right in the doorway
And cry out to God my expression of
Thankfulness.

I started praising Him and
I fell to my
Knees.

When I don't know how to tell God how I feel-
I just fall to my knees
And humbly accept His
Burning love
For me.

season of tears

I'm sure this is weird to some people
That a person would keep writing about experiencing
Tears...
But I didn't cry for a very long time.
So it is foreign for me to have this gift of crying.

I have a memory of crying in my addiction-

I would cry when the drug dealers werent on the
Street,
and I needed a hit.

I would cry when I got beat for my money,
Or sold a fake bag.

I cried when I had to take the bus in the winter for
Two hours to buy 5 dollars worth of coke and
Wait around for the dealer to re-up and
Then another 2 hours to get home and then it was
Gone.

And then I was alone once again in my obsessivly, distorted,
Sick mind.

I cried when I was done selling myself one time and
When I was coming down the stairs from leaving his apartment,
I fell.
And I cried.

Stupid heels.

At that point I would go numb by
Swallowing a fistful of my psych meds
And painfully wait to
Stop feeling.

110 milligrams of liquid methadone,
10 milligrams of xanax,
4 milligrams of clonopine,
Two blunts of weed,
A bottle of charcoal tasting vodka
Three bundles of heroin
Five ambien,
All my prescription Meds
And a handful of cocaine
A day

Didn't numb me enough.

No amount of drugs could stop the pounding pain in my
Black heart.

I cried and shook today during worship.

I just want more of him.

more tears

tears streamed down my cheeks as i prayed
and thanked God this morning.

there was soft light coming in through the stained glass windows
of our chapel,
and it was hitting my eyes.
and i felt the warm rays shine on
my tears.
and it permeated into my soul,
and i became overwhelmed with gratefulness
for my savior.

ISAIAH 41:9-10
I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, 'You are my servant';
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

i testified to the girls in the program here in Brooklyn
last night.
the best testimonies are when u leave urself vulnerable.

i was unaware of what God wanted to do last night.
and it was so great to just let go and let God do what he wants.
i opened up completely and was talking with trembling in my voice,
as my nerves sometimes get me that way.

when u put everything out there-
there is no more power in 'holding it in'

God takes us from the ends of the earth to Call us to a
HIGHER PURPOSE.

shes just sad

a girl that was admitted into our program,
decided to leave the other day.

she was in my office and had that look...

that salty sea of sadness
drowned her face.

she never became addicted-
just mentally ill.
and her eyes were glazed over as she stared at my walls.

'so, u going somewhere safe when u leave here?'
'yea, ill be with my grandma.'
'okay. u hungary? i have some fruit and nut trailmix.'
'yea, thanks.'
she munches quietly as she stares off into neverland.
and i looked into her eyes and
prayed.

i remember that glazed, dazed state of mind.
it sucks.
its so numb and empty.
the only thing good about it,
is that there is no feeling.
(and im learning now that feelings ARE a good thing.)

like ur skimming along in life and everything passes u by

...friends are getting married and are pregnant
and have finished college and
have successful lives.

and all of this is happening and u dont even know it.
until u come back to reality(if u ever do)
and then its like a whirlwind of events that slaps u in
face.
and u feel guilty for not being 'present' in ur loved ones lives...
even if u were there physically.

sometimes i wonder what the purpose is for someones life
when they are that numbed out.
maybe it is to be an encouragement for someone if u come out of it...
or to give them comfort and sympathy.

whatever the reason,
i know there is hope.

because i came out of it.

so i know it is possible.
the only catch is that you have to be so desperate enough to want help.
you have to be ready to surrender everything over to God.
and he is faithful to deliver you from the worst, of worst of

sadness.

i can cry!

As it turns out
I'm not a robot.

A few months ago
My ability to cry was only
In the spirit.
I would cry at how grateful I was to be
Saved.

But I could not cry
In the natural.
And I prayed for tears
For a whole year.

Yesterday, I finally let my guard down,
And people saw me cry...

And I cried because I was
Sad.
Not because I was full of
Joy.

God knew I needed a full year
To stabilize and not get overwhelmed
With my suppressed emotions.

Now he is reaching into my
Innermost being.
And giving me the gift of
Emotion.

Tears are okay after all...
There's nothing to be afraid of when
Ur ready to feel.