i just am coming out of a 2 month battle of hellish sickness. finally feeling almost normal- but then again i never really feel normal- so this might be as normal as it gets!
on the subject of becoming a minister of the faith: i am wrestling with 2 things. 1- i am sometimes doubting my calling... as far as if i am supposed to do what i eventually want to do. i think that when figuring out what to do in life it shouldnt be about what you do- but more of who you are. i think sometimes i focus on the wrong things... like its not about what i can do or not do. in the area of ministry its about who you are inside and how effectively i can communicate the love of Jesus to people. not even by words... because most of the time people just say they see the light in me, or that the way i spoke to them, that they could perceive i was a follower of Jesus. it is those moments i love the best- when i am not even trying to communicate Jesus and i just do anyway! Also, on this one, i struggle with the coming to terms that God actually wants me to become a minister... i just dont feel adequate or that i am good enough to be that. but i suppose that is precisely why He has called me... because He uses the weak. number 2- making a commitment. i have always been as loyal as i could be... but being a drug user i made a lot of bad moves as far as breaking promises. for 4 years i havent broke any promise that ive made yet! and i dont ever want to be someone that breaks them... why would you trust someone like that? anyway, the commitment... i am commited to God 100% and i love to spread His word. however, i guess its just becoming very real to me- this lifelong walk. lately i have been just pressing through and pressing through some real hard and dark times... and i know that being a minister i am to be prepared in season and out of season. and its just that- its making the choice to minister even when i feel like dying. its those moments that i take shelter under the wings of the Almighty and learn to rest there for a while.
learn to rest... still learning about that one.
so with this wrestle of doubting what God has placed in me as far as what i am to do and enduring the lifelong call of a minister- i am trying to just take everything that is coming at me right now with wisdom and prayer. im 28 years old. feel like im 128. and just trying to walk this thing out.