last night i walked into a pysch ward to check up on a student we have here in the program...
i was real nervous at first and counted things anxiously in my head while i breathed in the sterile hallways as the doors locked shut behind me. the walls were so blank and empty and the mood of the floor was numb. everyone was a robot, methodically acting out what they knew of their reality. med time was in effect and the patients waited patiently for their fix. they waited patiently for their tic tacs in a cup.
there were no smiles. and i smiled at everyone i saw... tried to pull out some life from them- but they were all dead inside. how can you smile when you are dead? i decided to morph with them and allow myself to feel the rythym of the ward. i fully embraced the feeling. its about time i start to feel.
during the check in was when i really got anxious... remembering when they had to check my stuff in, and no long handles, no plastic bags, no shampoo or deodorant, no hair ties, no elastic band pants, no normalcy, just bring your saddness. i was anxious because the flashbacks of suicide jumped in my mind... the rememberance of the mournful dark nights when all that was left of me was to die.
sorrow tastes like death. and death is a part of all of us.
one of the nurses was a believer and you could tell as soon as you saw her... she was a light in the dark. the nurses are the ones who nurse you back to health... if you are doubly blessed- they nurse you back to spiritual health. i love nurses.
about an hour into being in the ward, since i had not entered a ward since 2009, i began to loosen up. i began to be at ease with myself. felt like God was healing some left over broken insides. it was good. i focused on the student and we connected on a deep level... something i havent had in a while- a real deep- yea i know your head- and i know mine- and we both have screws loose- and its ok cuz God doesnt call the righteous/perfect but the sinners/imperfects- and you are talking about the time that passed and not knowing where it went- and yea i see that everyday- time existing- time not existing- what is time anyway?
at one point she said, 'miss mariah, i didnt realize how much we are the same.' and i said, 'yea... yea.' and she smiled in understanding.
thoughts fly off into the deep. sometimes we lose ourselves. and its only Jesus who seeks and finds and brings us back.