in one of my many stints in rehab, it was brought to my brain last night... this memory- and it stuck with me- so until i write it... it wont be released.
i had just left the medicine line and had stored some of the downer-pills in my cheek to be brought to my room and hidden for later use.
where there is a will- there is a way.
as i walked back to my room i laugh with the nurse on duty about how the juice cups always splatter when you open them... those hospital juice cups. she is a weary, but joyful nurse. a nurse on duty to help save the fallen drug addicts from heroin hell.
a restlessness stirred within me... so i looked for a new quest... a new high to be had. a lost boy who is kicking some sort of monster drug walks by... there we are! i instantly lock eyes with his and next thing i know we are in the back room where the classes on life- management are taught. ironic. because there was nothing manageable about my life.
we get into a trist. something to escape from the torture of our lives... the haze of what we have become. at that time it felt i was sort of living. living in the pursuit of passion. but it was just humanity at its finest. lost souls seeking to be found... and found they were not.
this went on for a few minutes and then we escaped the room and one of us got caught, i dont remember who. we then had been put on discipline and had to sign a paper saying we would not talk. sign away, m'am!
in remembering this... it has been brought to the forefront the many pursuits that drive us. when we are in a place of torture, our desire to be released or freed drives us to the goal... but when we are lost the goal is also misplaced. our pursuits will lead us to living on the surface of greed and lust. we will just tap the iceburg of an empty life when we seek what is unseekable.
truly, there is nothing to be found by one who wants everything.
the life we are meant to live is one that is full and alive in Jesus Christ. that is the life. that is a goal that is obtainable... that is meant to be. we were created to live in joy provided by God. we were not made to seek the unseekable... because worldy pursuits will never be found.