healing rain

apparently, even if you've been sober for 2 years, there is still healing that takes place.
some of the deep rooted hurts have just started to peek themselves into an open window of mine.

hurts that i forgot about and swept under the unnoticable rug- which is now noticable.

it is my desire to be healed fully.  so i have to go through this.  it hurts.

i feel grief and sorrow and at the same time i feel freedom.  i feel enlightened to why i behave the way i do sometimes.  i am thankful for the slow process that God is bringing me through in regards to becoming whole.  if He did it all at once- it would drive me insane again.

since being back home from Swaziland, i have not been the same.

my goals are still to work in ministry and serve.  but my heart has underwent some serious surgery. 

when i drove into the town where the orphanage was,
the Lord spoke to me and said, 'this is my heart.'

immediately my soul burned with love.  and suddenly i didnt exist... it was just the children and God.

His heart became my heart and i was hugging and kissing the kids with aids and who have been abandoned by their parents.

on one of the long flights home- i began to cry.  felt grief for the children with no parents.  they called me mommy and begged me to come back.

they dont have any parents to protect them.  or love them.  they have staff members and nurses and visitors and other 'mommys' that come to see them... but then THEY LEAVE.

they do not have a constant source of parental affection.  my heart hurts for them.  so does Gods heart.

the healing that God took me through was that His love was enough.  it is enough for the children... all the children.   everywhere.  not just in Swaziland. 

His love is enough.