battle with depression

i have come to the realization that i become depressed when i feel disconnected from Him.

it is not because i have done something wrong, or am being punished... i am beyond that immaturity of thinking.

i do believe He withdraws His presence when one of His children sin at times- but in my case right now- i believe He is testing my endurance and trust.

ever since i made up my mind to attempt the process of seperating myself from drugs and that lifestyle- i have been under extreme pressing(for the past 9 years).

endurance.

i first tried getting sober when i was 18... caught a dwi and was facing criminal charges... at that point its always good to at least 'pretend to get help' so you can look good for the court.

endured the whole 'going through rehab to look good for the court system' thing.
useless.

the following year i caught another dwi and attempted suicide because of depression and not being able to get out of the hell of addiction...

suicide was always the greener grass on the other side for me.

endured the pain of just 'one more failed suicide attempt.'
useless.

the stories are endless with my enduring seemingly useless trials... but to Him they are anything but useless.
useful.

my battle with depression and darkness do not dissipate simply because i now have the light of Christ.

the battle with depression becomes another area of producing endurance.

enduring until the end.

and the light of Christ is my spotlight that i follow.

He leads me to green pastures. He restores my soul.