Tuesday, March 15, 2011

pain of the fire

The last several months I have been in the desert. Meaning, I have not felt or heard from God directly. To me, the desert is a wilderness of confusion and suffering without the presence of God. I do not like the desert… and sometimes I feel like I still might be there. But I experienced freedom! And I hold onto remembering what God has done for me. I prayed, and broke through the bondages of soul ties! I truly am set free from the soul’s that I have been with. It was so hard to come up with that list of all the people I have been with… but I did it because I want to be obedient and I want to be free in Jesus. Once you have been through the fire of hell- there is nothing more important than to find peace in resting under the shadow of the Almighty. There is nothing more important to me than my relationship with Jesus.

Through the fire of affliction, comes testing and pressures so difficult, that it is no wonder why people never make it out of the fire. One of the pressures I have been dealing with is my past sexual sins and the guilt and disgust I had of myself. I was having a very hard time accepting the fact that I was going to live with what I had done for the rest of my life. Through my fire, I experienced testing’s that I have failed.

I am also under a lot of confusion in the desert. My faith seems to waver at the slightest question of reality. My heart has an irregular beat. It’s like a drum set with one of the drumsticks as a blade of grass. To me, this is affliction of the worst kind- an affliction of absent belief.

Although I am suffering in my faith- I have to keep looking towards the cross. I know deep within my very being, that there is more to life than what we live each day. My doubt tries to play games with my mind, and pull me back under into the abyss. But I hold on tight to my refuge and my fortress. I hold tight to the promises in the Word and the promises God has shown me in visions. I hold tight to my testimony- that I have been set free from drug addiction, prostitution, mental illness, eating disorders, self- mutilation, and so much more. I overcome by speaking and remembering what God has done for me, I overcome by covering myself with the blood of the lamb.

I am so grateful to have gifts from God that I love to use to please Him.

It’s like piano keys being strategically pounded to make a methodically beautiful sad sound. It’s like you get that one shot at a basketball game to either win or lose for the whole team- and you make it. It’s like finding your soul mate in the rain. It is hard to explain, yet, easy once you’ve experienced it. It is using your God given gifts to glorify our Father. It is a perfect gift because it has no bad or evil in it. None. The gifts that God gives are pure and holy. When we use those gifts, we become more like our Father. A gift I have recently put to use is using my creativity. I have learned to not be afraid to think differently than others. I no longer want to conform to the patterns of this world. I am not of this world, so why do I want to be like it? I don’t.

So while I am on a journey of affliction that God is bringing me through… I will maintain an attitude of gratitude by remembering how much worse I could be. I will remember through my fire of doubt, that Jesus had gone through being crucified and left for dead- for me. I will remember God’s grace, and that He will pull me out at just the right time, because it will be His time. And I will continue to praise the mighty name of Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:6-7

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

1 comment:

  1. Mariah, I really love this post..there is a song I hear on the radio that always makes me think of you and when I hear it I pray for you to get through this time of spiritual dryness...and that God would comfort you with consolation or if it can't be that, then the grace to get you through. The song is by Shawn McDonald and is called Closer. :) Goodnight, Aunt Meg (this will be anonymous bc every time I try to post using my regular account I get booted out)