Thursday, December 30, 2010

suicide #7

i walked into the hospital... willingly this time.
i dragged myself in from off the street from a long run with the demons.

it was a point in my addiction where i knew i had exhausted every other option. a point where a came to a calm-death.

i wasnt high, and i wasnt insane at this particular moment.

i was just waiting to die.

i came up to the emergency room and carried my bookbag full of dirty socks and underwear, a hair brush, a couple of pairs of sweatpants and a few t-shirts that were stained with blood by the elbows. i also had just ingested the last of the heroin i had on me and swallowed the last of the xanax too. it wasn't enough to kill me.

'hi. i need to be put away.'

'ok. what's wrong? how can i help u?' said the receptionist.

'i'm going to kill myself.'

she looked frightened. grabbed a clipboard and a pen and told me to fill out the paperwork, and to hang on til she could get me up to the pyschward.

i remember her brown eyes. she was spooked.

at this time in my life i was homeless. surviving all over the place. and i remember just wanting a place to rest. so at this time, it was more that i needed shelter, than it was a physcotic episode. although, i still was suicidal- because most of my life, i was suicidal.

sometimes i just didnt have the energy to execute the plan in my head.
i was so tired on this day.

i got upstairs and was comforted by the fact that i received complimentary toiletries and clean towels.

i felt safe in the pyschward. safe and clean- once i showered and washed my hair of the cigarettes and weed smell.
and i was grateful to have a bed and a pillow. becuz i didnt have to do anything to sleep there. i just had to tell the doctors how much i was hurting, and then i was allowed to stay at the hospital. everywhere else, i had to do things to sleep somewhere. i had to sell myself- or give them drugs or money. at the hospital, i could just rest my body... even though in my mind was a battlefield of flashbacks and silent screams.

they would give me lots of medication that made me sleep all day and night.
i loved being able to sleep without kicking my legs every 5 seconds.

this was a point in my life where the pyschward became my sanctuary.

it was a sanctuary becuz i was free from the prison of drugs and sex for a little while.


  1. oh God,...I'm so sorry you lived one should have had to have this experience. I'm so glad you have a new life now. Happy New year to you.

  2. In our wretchedness God still loves us and extends hope to our weary and worn out souls. Jesus, God's pure son, took the world's wretchedness upon himself and the punishment from God for all of world's sin, because he loves us and was willing to be the sacrificial Lamb. I am so, so glad to know that you have received this gift of forgiveness and eternal life!!! We have all gone astray, and need God's son, Jesus to wash away our filth and darkness. In him there is Light and Love, which we can then take forth into the world and share with others. Thank you for sharing your testamony through these postings. Be blessed abundantly this coming year my friend! May the Spirit of the Lord brightly burn within you.

  3. The psychward has been my sanctuary too, when I was homeless and paranoid I tried chucking myself from the top of a multi story carpark, so they dragged me off there, but I was just grateful for a bed, food and peace for a little while from the big bad world on the streets. Bless you for all you have been through, I'm glad God saved you, I hope one day he will save me too . Claire x