Wednesday, December 1, 2010

suicide #4 and 5

i had just gotten arrested... again.
my second DWI.

i just crashed my car into a ditch after leaving a party.
i remember steering my car right into the ditch.

like some force took over me,
and took control of my arms.

it was late at night. way past midnight.

i got out of the car- didnt die.
but the whole front end of my car was totaled.

there was another car that pulled over to come see if i was okay.

i was weeping and crying. i was so mad.

they must have called the police. i should have ran into the woods,
but i was too intoxicated to know any better.

i fought the cop. i fought him hard.
i was so violent.
he had to shove my face into the ground,
i remember the taste of dirt. and him yelling at me to
'shut up. stop fighting!'

eventually i was in the back of an ambulance. fighting with them too.
they took my bac. it was over 2. something. deadly high level for a small girl like me.

i was carted off to the pyschward. familiar ground.

i always knew how to get out of the pyschward. just convince them your not gona kill urself, and that it was the drug or alcohol that made u attempt.

the next night i bought a bottle of tylenol pm. and two candles.
i went into my room after spending the day smoking blunt after blunt after blunt of marijuana.

i didnt write a note, although it crossed my mind that maybe i should let my family know why i was killing myself. but i didnt. they were better off without me.

so i told God to take my soul.
i layed on my bed and i swallowed the whole bottle of tylenol pm.
i forgot to light the candles.

i was confident this would take my life, for sure.
because when i was in the psychward about 5 years prior to this attempt,
the nurse told me if i were to have taken tylenol instead the bottle of advil i took...that my liver would have failed, and i would have died.

my mom came down to my room at about 2am.
she said she had a 'feeling'
she said i was standing there with my pants wet(i just peed myself).
*i think its interesting i was standing... someone stood me up, so i wouldnt choke on my vomit* thank you Jesus.
she took me upstairs and i started 'tripping out'
talking to people that werent really there. seeing things.
projectile vomit.

apparently i was violently ill for a long time. my mom and dad had to take care of me. like i was a baby. i was peeing myself and throwing up all over the place. i am so sorry that you had to go through that, mom and dad. i love you so much.

i came to consiousness and my mom was sitting right next to me.
i remember saying

'i didnt die??'

'no sweetheart, you didnt. you're alive.'

i was so overwhelmed with sadness. i was devastated. why was God keeping me alive? out of all the times i attempted... why?

God saw a purpose for my life. He saw the pain and wanted to show Himself to me through that pain. He wants to pour His love all over me and in me. It is through that pain, that I see the hand of God on my life. Nothing else could have kept me alive. Nothing. He speaks to me and shows me things. I dont rely on drugs anymore. NO MORE DRUGS! I dont rely on men, or boyfriends. I dont rely on my pysch meds... cuz IM OFF OF THOSE TOO! i dont rely on ANYTHING but the Word Of GOD and His LOVE FOR ME.


  1. God had plans for you..... to prosper and not fail... To overcome and not be distroyed... To be loved and not despised... To be forgiven and not condemned... To grow and not wither... To have hope and not dispair... To spread his message of redemption in this time in history and glorify him in all you think, say, and do. God bless you and praise God that our names are written in his Book of Life.

  2. Amen. God bless u. I pray for Ur son a lot.