suicide #2

i was pulled out of my bed in the middle of the night,
by some force.

i walked down the stairs and got my moms car keys.
i opened the door to the garage and got inside my moms car.

as i put the key in the ignition,
i rolled down the windows and prepared to
die.

the engine started...
like a big cough at first, then slowed to a
soft growl.

i sat in the car...
breathing in the fumes...
waiting...

it was the middle of the night,
and i dont know why i had such a strong urge to
kill myself.
but i did,

and my attempts were many.

eventually i got bored, because i wasnt dying fast enough, so i turned on the radio.
i remember a song i liked was on and i started to think about
how fun it would be to dance to that song at our middle school dance that
upcoming weekend. i still was thinking of things middle-schoolers should be thinking about,
yet i was so warped and suicidal at the same time.

my memory blurs as i try to remember exactly how i got back upstairs and in my bed. but thats where i was.

thats where i was.