suicide #1

i try to remember how many times I've attempted,
but I always lose count.

my first attempt was when I just about turned 13.

i have many stories of being in the psych ward...
and being locked inside my mind.

the guy in the back of the ambulance was staring at me.
he was cute.
he was an e.m.t.

i was laying on the stretcher thing, coming to, after
swallowing handfuls of advil.
groggy and nauseous and

dedicated to death.

once inside the hospital, the nurse asked me to pee
in bedpan as my parents watched with concern.

a very clear memory that i held onto during my life of
suicide attempts,
is that the nurse told me that i was lucky i didn't take a bottle
of tylenol, because it would have killed my liver,
thus, leading to death.

.... she wasn't very smart.

sometimes the people in medical field are so completely
clueless.
and when ur as sick as i was,
i got great satisfaction of playing on my doctors'
weaknesses.

receiving narcotics and benzos were easily
attainable after a while of being in the system.

i would change doctors and
shrinks
according to my ever changing mind.

drugs were just an escape for me to get out
of my mind.

My mind;
my manic,
melancholy,
malicious,
muddy mind.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
this guy that was in back of ambulance,
i bumped into him at the mall about a week or so after incident...

i was excited at a new conquest and...
boldly walked over to him.

'hey, remember me?' i declared.

he looked over and granted me a familiar smile.

'yes, mariah, right?'

'yea. how r u? u shopping?'

'no, im working, someone passed out earlier here and had to take them to hospital. how r u doing? i was worried about u. everything okay?'

'yea... i just get depressed sometimes...'

oh man, this is awkward, i thought to myself.

'well i gota go.' i said, and i became nervous because he expressed his worry about me, and i didnt like that i wasnt in control at that time and i was embarrassed with my suicide attempt and felt stupid.

my sister and her friend were waiting for me to finish conversing with my latest interest.

'here's my number. call me.' he said.

he handed me his card and his eyes invited me into his charm.

i took it, and walked away with fake confidence.

you would have never of guessed i had just tried ending my life a week earlier.
i was so good at covering up my sickness.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
my counselors would tell me that i was a very confused,
sad
girl...

then they pulled out the prescription pad.