i was running through the hallways of my middle school.
one of my friends was chasing me.
i had just cut my arms with something, i dont remember what.
i was in one of my manic/psychotic episodes...
where my world turned into a sick reality of a
that was inescapable.
and i was drowning in the dream-
but the dream was really happening.
and i was yelling and running through the hallways...
and i ran, and ran and ran.
and i couldnt breathe, and the cement was hard under my feet, pounding,
but i kept running
to run away from
i wanted to just jump out of my body and
into the abyss.
all my life, i just wanted to jump out of
in middle school was when i first experienced being
one of the mean girls hated me because her boyfriend
and our mean girls, were not the typical cheerleading
they were the grunge, smoking cigarettes,
from their dads sock drawer kind of popular/mean.
so she had her group of friends who also decided to hate me.
one day in the cafeteria i was eating my lunch and
one of the girls threw a french fry at my back with ketchup on it.
and it stuck to my back.
the girl sitting next to me told me i had a french fry on my back and
who threw it at me.
i gulped hard, and could barely swallow.
there was a pit in my stomach and it was filled with
tears welled up...
i walked calmly over to the lunch lady and asked her if i could please leave.
she asked why and then when i started to explain why,
i got flustered and my face was red and i felt so bad and awful.
and she let me go.
then i ended up eating lunch in the bathroom or the nurses office after that.
those girls would also push me into my locker and call me awful names.
names that i believed was who i was.
and it wasnt until i learned that being bad and mean was how u get to be loved.
so thats what i did.
and in the 8th grade i was very popular and known for my craziness and
was elected to be the class president for our freshman year of high school.
i learned that i could receive love from even the meanest girls in our school,
and that life seemed alot better when everyone loved me.
my dreams of becoming a professional ballerina or a doctor quickly turned into
as i strived for perfection of evil.