middle school

i was running through the hallways of my middle school.
one of my friends was chasing me.

i had just cut my arms with something, i dont remember what.

i was in one of my manic/psychotic episodes...
where my world turned into a sick reality of a
bad dream-
that was inescapable.

and i was drowning in the dream-
but the dream was really happening.

and i was yelling and running through the hallways...

completely gone...

running

and i ran, and ran and ran.

and i couldnt breathe, and the cement was hard under my feet, pounding,
but i kept running
to run away from
myself.

i wanted to just jump out of my body and
into the abyss.

all my life, i just wanted to jump out of
my mind.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
in middle school was when i first experienced being
bullied.

one of the mean girls hated me because her boyfriend
liked me.

and our mean girls, were not the typical cheerleading
type-
they were the grunge, smoking cigarettes,
stealing weed
from their dads sock drawer kind of popular/mean.

so she had her group of friends who also decided to hate me.

one day in the cafeteria i was eating my lunch and
one of the girls threw a french fry at my back with ketchup on it.

and it stuck to my back.

the girl sitting next to me told me i had a french fry on my back and
who threw it at me.

i gulped hard, and could barely swallow.
there was a pit in my stomach and it was filled with
emptiness.

tears welled up...

i walked calmly over to the lunch lady and asked her if i could please leave.

she asked why and then when i started to explain why,
i got flustered and my face was red and i felt so bad and awful.
and she let me go.

then i ended up eating lunch in the bathroom or the nurses office after that.

those girls would also push me into my locker and call me awful names.

names that i believed was who i was.
and it wasnt until i learned that being bad and mean was how u get to be loved.

so thats what i did.
and in the 8th grade i was very popular and known for my craziness and
was elected to be the class president for our freshman year of high school.

i learned that i could receive love from even the meanest girls in our school,
and that life seemed alot better when everyone loved me.

my dreams of becoming a professional ballerina or a doctor quickly turned into
a joke
as i strived for perfection of evil.