Sunday, August 29, 2010

season of tears

I'm sure this is weird to some people
That a person would keep writing about experiencing
But I didn't cry for a very long time.
So it is foreign for me to have this gift of crying.

I have a memory of crying in my addiction-

I would cry when the drug dealers werent on the
and I needed a hit.

I would cry when I got beat for my money,
Or sold a fake bag.

I cried when I had to take the bus in the winter for
Two hours to buy 5 dollars worth of coke and
Wait around for the dealer to re-up and
Then another 2 hours to get home and then it was

And then I was alone once again in my obsessivly, distorted,
Sick mind.

I cried when I was done selling myself one time and
When I was coming down the stairs from leaving his apartment,
I fell.
And I cried.

Stupid heels.

At that point I would go numb by
Swallowing a fistful of my psych meds
And painfully wait to
Stop feeling.

110 milligrams of liquid methadone,
10 milligrams of xanax,
4 milligrams of clonopine,
Two blunts of weed,
A bottle of charcoal tasting vodka
Three bundles of heroin
Five ambien,
All my prescription Meds
And a handful of cocaine
A day

Didn't numb me enough.

No amount of drugs could stop the pounding pain in my
Black heart.

I cried and shook today during worship.

I just want more of him.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your blog-