I'm sure this is weird to some people
That a person would keep writing about experiencing
But I didn't cry for a very long time.
So it is foreign for me to have this gift of crying.
I have a memory of crying in my addiction-
I would cry when the drug dealers werent on the
and I needed a hit.
I would cry when I got beat for my money,
Or sold a fake bag.
I cried when I had to take the bus in the winter for
Two hours to buy 5 dollars worth of coke and
Wait around for the dealer to re-up and
Then another 2 hours to get home and then it was
And then I was alone once again in my obsessivly, distorted,
I cried when I was done selling myself one time and
When I was coming down the stairs from leaving his apartment,
And I cried.
At that point I would go numb by
Swallowing a fistful of my psych meds
And painfully wait to
110 milligrams of liquid methadone,
10 milligrams of xanax,
4 milligrams of clonopine,
Two blunts of weed,
A bottle of charcoal tasting vodka
Three bundles of heroin
All my prescription Meds
And a handful of cocaine
Didn't numb me enough.
No amount of drugs could stop the pounding pain in my
I cried and shook today during worship.
I just want more of him.