Friday, August 6, 2010

entry from 10-23-09

this is a diary entry i wrote when i was living at the walter hoving home
(christian rehab in garrison, ny)

today im not feeling it at all. i dont want to be here-
but i dont want to be there either. i dont know whats wrong with
me and i hate not knowing how to fix it.
i dont like the fact that i have no control over my feelings and emotions.
i dont like not being in control...
i keep praying for God to help me and tell me whats going on with me-
but i forgot that i also prayed for feelings and emotions to come out.

im scared im gona snap and kill someone.
i cant control my anger and when i feel afraid,
i dont know any other way to deal with my emotions and rage
other than flipping out and snapping.

i feel like im gona get kicked out for something that i dont even
know im gona do.

i hate that feeling...
i know somethings coming but i duno what.

God, hear my cry for help, hear me.
help me, help me, help me.

why cant i just let out my feelings?
why cant i talk about whats bothering me?
why cant i just be happy all the time+have God talk to me all the time?

im depressed and im sad and i dont know what to do.
im not used to feeling any of this stuff...
its weird and im not used to it.

i really feel like the psych ward might be the only place for me,
the only place i feel safe and sound-
on lots of meds and sleeping pills and just zoning out and
not thinking or feeling ANYTHING!
i dont want to feel at ALL!!!

but i asked God for it.
i asked to feel,
so i better take appreciation for it.

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