suicide #7

i walked into the hospital... willingly this time.
i dragged myself in from off the street from a long run with the demons.

it was a point in my addiction where i knew i had exhausted every other option. a point where a came to a calm-death.

i wasnt high, and i wasnt insane at this particular moment.

i was just waiting to die.

i came up to the emergency room and carried my bookbag full of dirty socks and underwear, a hair brush, a couple of pairs of sweatpants and a few t-shirts that were stained with blood by the elbows. i also had just ingested the last of the heroin i had on me and swallowed the last of the xanax too. it wasn't enough to kill me.

'hi. i need to be put away.'

'ok. what's wrong? how can i help u?' said the receptionist.

'i'm going to kill myself.'

she looked frightened. grabbed a clipboard and a pen and told me to fill out the paperwork, and to hang on til she could get me up to the pyschward.

i remember her brown eyes. she was spooked.

at this time in my life i was homeless. surviving all over the place. and i remember just wanting a place to rest. so at this time, it was more that i needed shelter, than it was a physcotic episode. although, i still was suicidal- because most of my life, i was suicidal.

sometimes i just didnt have the energy to execute the plan in my head.
i was so tired on this day.

i got upstairs and was comforted by the fact that i received complimentary toiletries and clean towels.

i felt safe in the pyschward. safe and clean- once i showered and washed my hair of the cigarettes and weed smell.
and i was grateful to have a bed and a pillow. becuz i didnt have to do anything to sleep there. i just had to tell the doctors how much i was hurting, and then i was allowed to stay at the hospital. everywhere else, i had to do things to sleep somewhere. i had to sell myself- or give them drugs or money. at the hospital, i could just rest my body... even though in my mind was a battlefield of flashbacks and silent screams.

they would give me lots of medication that made me sleep all day and night.
i loved being able to sleep without kicking my legs every 5 seconds.

this was a point in my life where the pyschward became my sanctuary.

it was a sanctuary becuz i was free from the prison of drugs and sex for a little while.