suicide #6

i was working at a nursing home, where my 95 year old Nana lived.
i was a very hard worker- high or not high.

as i was helping one of the elderly into their shower,
i noticed she had her medication in the dresser drawer.

it began to eat me alive.
...knowing there was narcotics in my reach...

the addiction burned inside of me.

it did not matter who, what or where i was.
i just needed to be fed.

the next night while working and coming off as seemingly pleasant while doing my CNA job-
i plotted how i was going to get those pills.

i went into her room, when she wasnt there.
there was a camera- so i unplugged it- but stupidly,
i showed my face before i got it unplugged.

i shook as i took the key she used to lock up that drawer,
and i nervously shoved the key into the hole.
i twisted it- opened the drawer-
but the key broke inside of the hole. oh man...

i shook more intensely as the longing for those pills overtook my whole
being.

all that i was, all that i equalled up to, all the i existed for-
was to be a nervous, shaking, heroin addict.

i quickly got the bottles opened,
and at first dumped a whole bunch into my hand-
but then thought it might be too obvious,
so i put some back.

then i tried to tidy up the mess i made and left the broken key in the hole.

and then i ate some pills and my insides finally settled down a bit.

i felt awful. dirty. scheming. lying. manipulating. useless. drug addict.

addiction always trumped any moral fiber i had inside of my heart.
my heart was consumed by the demonic forces of addiction.
my body was a slave to heroin, pills, cocaine, ANYTHING.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

the next night at work,
a state trooper showed up.

i remember getting paged to the lobby.

oh man. thats it. they know.

i timidly walked into the office.
'are you mariah tramonto?'

'yes.'

the cop was holding a VHS in his hands,
'please sit down.'

i wanted to bolt. it took all i had to sit down on the plastic chair.

'mariah, we can either do this the hard way, or the easy way. now you either cooperate and tell me the truth, or you lie and we can be here all night.'

i started rocking in my chair, feeling like my soul just shattered.
there was a struggle going on inside of me.
i was fighting the demons. they wispered in my ear- 'you're nothing but a drug addicted whore, who steals from the home where your Nana lives. you are going to BURN in hell.'

they tormented me. i took the lanyard around my neck, that held my credentials... i firmly tightened it around my neck and squeezed with all i had. harder. harder. i was trying to choke myself to death.

the cop had stopped me. he shook his head. 'stop doing that. whats wrong with you? you have more serious problems, than just addiction, young lady. you need help.'

'im sorry. im sorry. i just want to die.' i started crying.

i didnt want to lie, but i didnt want to tell the truth.
i knew i was found out. i had to just tell him.

finally the interragation was over-
and he escorted me to the cop car.

and off i went to the pyschward. again.
another Mental Hygiene Arrest.
another crime.
another worthless drug addict, taking up the states time and money.

the next day i was out of pyschward and went to pick up my last paycheck-
immediately went to the city and bought heroin.
and then my Nana died two weeks later.