Monday, November 1, 2010

suicide #3

raging music blasted in my room.
i had purple carpet and loud
purple striped wallpaper from when i was

i glared in the mirror at the ugly,
distorted image.

my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my
chest. My anxiety heightened.

my 15 year old body burned with
anger. Something took over my whole being.

%@Ugh! I'm so ugly!@%


%@I am done. Get me out.@%

I grabbed a razor blade that I saved for such a time as this...
And I sought relief.

**sssslice...** owch....lots of blood. But not enough...

More. More.

**ssslice...** blood pours...

Ahhhhh. Finally some peace.

I remember feeling at ease, but then
getting scared because I cut so deep and
The blood wasn't stopping...
And I wasn't dead yet...
And I thought maybe I would end up like one of those
People who have to get arm amputated
Because they did stupid things like this...

I put a kleenex on my arm and was extremely frustrated that
I was still trapped.
The kleenex kept needing to be replaced...
And it hurt real bad.

I hastily thought in my mind that maybe I should go get my mom,
But I didn't want to tell her what I did.

I just wanted to stay in my room and curl up and die and stop hurting.
I just wanted to stop hurting, stop hurting,

In the morning I woke up with the kleenex stuck in my arm.
I started to pull it out and I became hot with pain.
Pieces of kleenex remained in my wound and I left it there and
Bandaged up the evidence.

My soul wept and my sorrow ate me alive.

I just wanted it to stop.

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